The home stretch

Today we completed one of the final steps of the process for adoption, the negotiation of adoption support. I've included a link for those curious in details on the program for my state. You start by filling out an application detailing your income, expenses, and the special needs of your children. Special needs means a lot of things. For instance if you are adopting and your financial situation prohibits you from providing for the child they would help you out as it's in the best interest of the child and much cheaper in the long run for the state to have them in a stable home instead of a perpetual foster child.

I awaited the call from the state to negotiate with some nerves because negotiation is usually work. We started off the conversation with the woman telling me a story about how her husband was a infant model for the company I work for. She was friendly and upbeat. She then gave me two options which were both more than we expected. She explained the only reason my kids were eligible was due to their ethnicity. It was unexpected but a nice surprise and will allow us to better provide for our kids.

It was so easy...which is shocking. Nothing thus far in this process could really be considered easy. And then we're told we'll be placed in the very next court hearing we can. In fact we'd be finalizing in less than a week if we were not taking a vacation.

This whole process has been high hoop after hoop. It's pretty shocking for something to come easy and even better, that soon there will only be the normal hoops of parenting. These are by no means "easy" but the relief of being out from under the microscope is HUGE!

Our next post will be a photo of us at court all sporting some big smiles...no faces covered!

Thank you each and everyone of you who have prayed and supported us to get us this far. Your love and support even if we don't know you has been felt!

The Final Steps

Today at our monthly social worker meeting we were presented with the kids full file. This happens when they are legally free (so we've been waiting for it since July). It gives us all the information the department has on the kids. This includes the social workers notes from each monthly visit, supervisors reports of visitation, and all the info they have on the birth parents. The stack of paper work is no less than 8" thick. I can't even imagine where we're going to store all this along with all the paperwork we already have.

I of course can't and don't wish to share any of the information it contains but I want to hurry and finish this post to get back to reading it. The process is such that we have to sign a release stating we have read all available information on the case before we proceed with negotiations for Adoption Support from the state. The information in the files could give us insight into something we might need support with. Once the support is negotiated, which we think will be done in the next two weeks, we submit all the paper work with our lawyer and get a court date to finalize.

November is National Adoption Month and there is a HUGE mass adoption that will be happening in our county the week we'll be in Hawaii. Our lawyer is really busy getting everything in order for other families to make that date so we're holding off since we can't be part of it anyway. It's looking like we'll be going to court in December if we get a court date then.

We're a bit of a unique situation when it comes to the paperwork. Many kids have been bounced around to several homes or have several reports from CPS before the kids were removed from their home that remain classified. For us, we've had the kids since my son was released from the hospital so we know just about everything in the paper work. It is pretty interesting reading Social Worker notes about us and detailed reports of what happened at the few visits the kids had.

Part of the plan for their birth Mom to get the kids back was her requirement to have a full evaluation with a psychologist. It is a comprehensive 16 page report of her responses and observations by the person who conducted it. I devoured each page, eager to learn anything I could about her and her thoughts on the whole situation. I'm sure I'll read it many times over. It struck me that the feelings of devouring each word and mental images of physical appearance and body language it caused me to be thinking about would only be heightened for both kids. In a sense it's the closest they may ever get to their birth mother. It's incredibly sad thinking about that. I can't imagine my only connection to my birth parents being though words on paper and the one photo we have.

All of this is sinking in and I want to do all I can to ease the emotional battle my kids are sure to face. It's yet another thing I wish I could spare them. I plan to talk about their Birth Mom often so she will not be a mystery. Answer any question I can. Most importantly, honor her in the role she plays in all of our lives. No matter what reports say and the negative picture some of them may portray, She is part of them and they are part of her. Therefore we all love their Birth Mom, just in a very different way than most.

So many reasons to celebrate

I've said it many times before but I feel so blessed to have the experience we've been given. Yes our road to being parents was hard, damn hard, but that makes the rewards all the sweeter. We have been given so many more milestones to celebrate because of how we have become parents. There was a huge out pouring of congrats and love when we were placed with the kids and that was reason for all the normal celebration that comes with most new babies.

Over a year ago we experienced the baby showers, the dinners people lovingly provided, and visitors from near and far to meet the new members of our family. All of this was wonderful and to be honest a blur. We were so overwhelmed with having just become parents we didn't relish in all the cute little gifts and organization of all their goodies like most parents I imagine do. It was wonderful none the less.

Becoming a parent through Foster to Adopt some unique milestones that may or may not happen with an adoption where the child has been relinquished by their birth parents. There's the day you find out you have been matched, which may or may not be the day you meet the child(ren). Then there is the day they come to live with you which could also be the day you were chosen and met. Finalization is the last step in the Foster to Adopt process and worth the biggest celebration of them all.

I'm a person who LOVES traditions so I've taken full advantage of being able to celebrate things that have been unique to our experience in addition to birthdays, holidays, and family events. We will always celebrate June 30th as Family Day. It's special because it was the day we met and started this journey together. It will entail a photo of us all together, doing something everyone in the family will enjoy doing together which will of course change as we all age, and Jay and I writing a message to the kids in their journal from us to them.

This weekend we threw a HUGE party inviting both sides of our large families and friends who have helped us along the way in celebration of being so very close to finalizing our adoption. I envisioned the party happening and then finally being able to show photos of the kids at it but that will have to wait. We wanted so many people to be part of the celebration because so many have helped us tremendously. We decided to take advantage of the last bit of decent weather and invite everyone to our house. We did a theme of family and had a photographer available for people to take family photos (ironically I'm not sure if we got a decent one of the four of us) and a family tree with finger print leaves as our guest book.

We're just weeks away from knowing what the Finalization date will be. I'm sure we'll do a much smaller scale celebration on that day, such as dinner out, but the joy in our hearts we felt in celebrating this weekend will be alive and well. We'll feel the cheers and hugs we've received from everyone all along with us there in the court room as we're pronounced a legal family.

Bring on the evidence of my life

This is kind of a heavy topic for a Friday night but it's something that's been rattling around my brain all week. Not long before my Dad passed away I discovered Greg Laswell and listened to him a lot. One song I loved but haven't been able to bring myself to listen to until just a few weeks ago is What a Day. If you've never heard it, give it a listen.

There's a line from that song that brings up so much emotion "bring on the evidence of my life". I am the evidence of my Dad's life in a physical sense. As I struggled to have a family of my own, this line captured the essence of one of my deepest fears - having no evidence of my life. It depressed me to create scrapbooks because I would think to myself no one is going to care about this crap when I die if I don't have kids. Of course that's not entirely true but if it's in your head it can make a pretty convincing argument when there's no one to bring reason to it.

Listening to this song again made me think about this fear and how my thoughts on it have changed since I've become a mother. It's taken actually becoming a mother, especially through adoption to realize how entirely irrational that thought process is. I'll never have physical proof of my existence unless I'm somehow mummified. It really doesn't matter if you have kids or not. Your life is about the connections you make and the impact you have on peoples lives in whatever form that may take.

When you want something so bad it's all consuming, it can be hard to be rational. I doubt coming to this realization sooner would have changed our decision on becoming parents but wow how I wish I'd figured this out to save myself some depression. It makes me realize seeing a physical version of me is entirely something that would be pleasing to me but how I parent that child is what matters. To both them and the world they live in. This is pretty basic stuff but maybe someone else is struggling with that fear and all they need to hear is there was another irrational person thinking about it. It's important to recognize your progress as you grow wiser and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a big "a ha" that will help me be better in every sense.

And so we wait

After weeks of worry about an appeal for termination of rights for the kids father, we learned today it didn't happen. What we did learn is a new twist. After countless "twists" in our case recently I just want to throw out there that we're actually asking for all possible scenarios up front...every time and more than once. We're told the same answer by everyone and then when we get these little unexpected outcomes we hear that they've never had to deal with it before...we're that "special case". Yea us!

There's plenty I wish I could vent about but I can't share any details. We've finally gotten to the point where the State wants us to consult legal counsel and it's not for the reasons we hoped.  The news means we are potentially looking at being Foster Parents for the next year plus.

Focusing on the positive it means that we have potentially that long where we won't be paying for daycare and we can keep setting aside the monthly payments which are growing into quite a sizable nest egg for each of the kids. We also get free camping and discounts to some kids centric things like the Children's Museum.

The reason I'm discouraged other than the constant worry of losing the kids is the burdens of the system which don't seem too bad until the first of the month rolls around and they all start again. We have to meet with a team of people supporting the kids which includes their assigned social worker, our social worker, the Guardian ad litem, a team of nurses, and physical therapists. We try to combine appointments when possible but it's never less than at least 3. That means leaving work early, getting the house ready for inspection, and preparing ourselves for being questioned on how we're parenting the kids and hoping they are making the expected progress. Everyone tries to be unobtrusive but there's no way around it, it just is.

In addition to all the visits there's the limitations our kids experience by being "in the system". We have to take them every 6 months to one of the few dentists that accepts State medical. It's pretty dismal and the kids are traumatized, hysterically crying every time. We're limited on doctors as well but thankfully like our current one. We also have the heavy restrictions on who can watch the kids which makes for exhausted parents with very rare breaks.

I find myself once again extremely thankful for the kids current age. We got the joy of experiencing a new born straight from the hospital as well as countless firsts for them both. They are oblivious to their situation as they don't have visits with birth parents or even a memory of them so there's no questions for us. I have the hardest time understanding how what the state is doing is in the best interest of the kids, keeping their outcome of a permanent home in question for years on end. If they had been older when they were placed with us, it would be a VERY different struggle and I feel for the kids and Foster Parents who have to battle with that question everyday. Parents often wish they could take the pain of something for their kids and in this case we can. They are just going to grow up thinking every toddler has to meet with all these random adults every month and talk about all the things they are learning.

The bottom line is we are still confident we'll have the kids in the end barring any random family member that decides to play hero and is successful in jumping through all the hoops (which are significant at this point).

Life as a Foster Parent

In my year + experience as a Foster Parent thus far I’ve decided for me personally the hardest part is being reliant on other people to give you information. If you go into this with the mindset of wanting to adopt as we did your biggest concern is will the child(ren) be going back to their family of origin. That is a question that has more outcomes than a Choose Your Own Adventure book. There are countless curveballs with no black and white answers. There’s seemingly always a judge or social worker that can make an exception or give someone one more chance. Through all those decisions and actions as a Foster Parent you are 100% reliant on someone giving you the score. It often feels like you’re waiting on baited breath for the surgery status of someone you love but you’re not considered family and just have to pray a doctor or nurse takes pity on you to come back and report.

Your role as a Foster Parent is to take care of the kids, first and foremost. That is why your personal needs as the parent are not really met because in the end it’s not about you, it’s about the kids. All the people with the information on how things are going come to meet with you once a month and that visit is to see how the kids are doing, not talk about the case. They have an overwhelming workload of kids to watch out for so the details of actions that may effect the Foster parent are not high priority.

Until parental rights were terminated we wonder constantly about what they were doing to get their kids back. Court dates were the only time we were allowed to hear about progress. We’re back in the phase of waiting anxiously to hear news. The kids father has until tomorrow 8/17 to file an appeal for the termination of his rights. Everyone expected this to be submitted within a week of his last trial date but nothing so far. I say that not knowing if it was submitted and I just don’t know.

It’s maddening for a control freak such as myself to have someone I don’t even know hold so much power over the fate of my life. It’s a test of faith to say the least. I do have faith in the end the kids will be with us, really no doubt about that actually. It’s just the question of when and how ugly this fight is going to get before it’s all said and done.

Until then I’ll keep playing detective and reading every piece of material I can get my hands on. It’s pretty amazing what little nuggets I can pick up from paperwork. For example I was looking at our approval to travel to Hawaii and it came with a 22 page attachment of the case paper work which I guess they need to provide for the person approving. In that paperwork buried deep and just listed as a single line was the date the state would have an adoption hearing – 12/10/12. That is the latest if there was no appeal. If the state moves forward our lawyer would petition for the soonest date possible.

As I wait for more information my days are consumed with the little stuff like “did I cover them with enough sunscreen before sending them off to daycare?” and “how should we keep the kids cool this evening?”. Through the states eyes and our own, our first priority is being a parent and making sure the kids have all they need. That’s what is really important and thankfully it’s what consumes our time day in and out. 

The wait continues

I've often been told people think you worry for just a period of time as your kids grow out of a phase but in reality you worry the rest of your life once you become a parent. I get that and expected it but I didn't expect the same with our adoption roller coaster. We learned late last week the answer to my question of "I wonder what their alleged father was doing while such important decisions were being made."...He was on his way to the court house. We missed each other by 30 minutes and he was granted another hearing which happened today.

We knew it would be one of two outcomes. The termination judgement made last week would be overturned or he would be advised on how to appeal. Thankfully the later was the outcome however he has 30 days to do so which means more potential delays and concern for us. Do I or our social workers think he'll be successful in an appeal...no. But after the burden of worry about loosing the kids was lifted last week it feels twice as heavy to take it back on. I'm in tears now just thinking about it. It was doubly hard as we didn't even know there was an appeal process because it never came up when their mother's rights were terminated.

Of course as I google about the appeal process in WA I find worst case scenario articles about how birth parents come back years after an adoption is finalized to contest it. This was the last thing I needed to read. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and I still feel like everything will work out in the end but I feel as if we're getting ready to face one last battle which is the biggest yet and my energy reserves for pulling through are near empty.

When I'm with the kids I don't have time to even think about it and one look at their faces makes me confident. When I've just put them to bed like now and I actually have a moment to stop and think...I feel defeated and just wonder how much longer I can take it.

It's just too much so I'm going to have to focus on the positive. I'm thankful the decision was not overturned today, that might have been enough to do me in. I'm thankful I was not in court today and didn't have to have an awkward and potentially disturbing run in with the birth mom and alleged father. I'm thankful the end is very near. Please just continue to think of us and pray for us to have the strength to continue this fight all while doing our best for the kids.