Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Feelings of Worry

On the tail of what was my best Christmas yet I have worry flooding my mind. It’s back to reality now that we’re at a Birth Mom visit day. These always rattle me to a point but one so closely following such a special week with the kids hit especially hard.

We had an awesome month of uninterrupted family time where I didn’t hold back my heart or mental plans for traditions for years to come. This is extremely dangerous. I couldn’t help but think about the “what if” of opening up our box of ornaments next year only to find the kids special ornaments from this year when there’s a chance they might not be with us. Will roles be reversed and I’ll be the one emailing their Birth Mom telling her how we miss the kids terribly and hope they are having a wonderful day? The thought just crushes me.

The process of coming closer to adoption is feeling painfully slow. We had hoped for some action in early December but that has yet to happen and I don’t hold out hope for an update anytime soon. The kids have now been away from their Birth Mom for just over 7 months. For everyone’s sake I desperately want  some permanency, to know where they will be for the long haul so that we can all get on with long term life plans.

I knew getting into this it was going to be a long road and I’m at one of those dips where I’m feeling scared and down. It’s because of the two other friends we knew following this process or similar have both parted ways with the kids. One by choice and the other not. I just can’t help but wonder if that is our fate as well.

Living with daily fear of losing what is most precious to me is starting to take its toll. All I can do is keep trudging through and praying for the right outcome, whatever that is. And more importantly that everyone involved will feel at peace with what that outcome is because no matter what someone is losing what they hold dear.