Thursday, January 31, 2013

I used to say my worst fear was getting a call telling us the kids birth Mom had another baby and would we be open to taking it. Since she was only 22 when my son was born, the chances of this happening were not far fetched. I'd find it nearly impossible to say no without heavy guilt. Things for the first year just seemed SO hard because having two kids under 2 IS so hard. I couldn't imagine taking on another at the time.

Today I learned that is not the worst kind of unexpected contact you can get. We learned the kids birth Mom passed away yesterday. It took the breath out of my lungs and had me collapse after reading the first line. I couldn't get my mouth to stop saying "No, no, no". I cried for my kids and all the questions they will never have answered. I cried for her and the tragic end to a life filled with so much pain and hurt. I cried for the hope I had in a relationship in the future which now will never happen.

I received an email from her on the 17th of January. I knew at the time she was in a dark place but there were things happening which called for some change to occur and I of course had hope that change would come in a positive direction. I knew due to her circumstances it might be a great while before we had contact again. I didn't see the email until a week after it was sent since I only check that account sporadically. I replied right away begging for information about her so we could talk to the kids about her likes and dislikes as a way to have a connection with her even if only through conversation. I never got a response and it's devastating to know I never will.

This has closed one door and opened another which we've yet to begin to explore and I'm not sure when we will. More on that when we're ready for it. Grief for someone you've had such a complicated relationship with is a very strange thing. I'm also grieving for my kids loss. Some might say this was expected and even though when I look at all the facts I could say "sure that is not a stretch" it's crushing to have the flame of hope you held for someone extinguished.

So many confusing thoughts, unanswered questions, and sadness. Yes I'm glad my kids were spared so much pain they could have seen if not living with us. The last email I received from her opened with this - "I am so very glad that my babies are in the best hands and having fun and a totally completely opposite life then I did as a child.". At the end of it she thanked me for taking care of her babies and I only hope she could feel how truly thankful we are for her.

May she rest in peace and finally be the mother she hoped to be by watching over the kids.