A letter to my kids birth mother

Dear J,

Today is the first day of National Adoption Awareness month and it's only because of you I'm blessed to be among those who are impacted by adoption. We both know we did not join that club altogether by choice, but here we are fully fledged members.

It's been almost a year since I told you of our plans to adopt the kids and I still remember how scared I was to let you know it was going to happen. Each time we spoke you made it very clear the kids were with me "for now". In your mind this was a temporary arrangement but my heart was stolen almost immediately and I knew this was a forever connection no matter who the kids lived with.There is hurt in that for everyone...the mother you wanted to be but could not, the mother the kids wanted but didn't get, the mother I wanted to be but could not. That pain is what drives me to be a good mother, to be the best I can possibly be. Not because I'm seeking to prove I'm better than you but because I know I can never replace you and it's a hole I'll never fully be able to fill in their hearts. If I do everything else to the best of my ability, I'll be able to say I've done right by the kids and you. The chance to be called Mom is an awesome privilege and one I'll always be grateful for.

In the months since you've passed away we have begun to learn more about you and your family. I now understand why you felt like you were providing for your kids well when it was so far off from what they needed. I'm sorry you didn't get the love and support you should have. I'm sorry you had so much taken from you at such a young age. Your family loves you very much but didn't know how to help you or themselves. I know now that in your eyes, being with your children meant more to you than your ability to provide for them. The cycle of abuse and neglect is broken for your children. They are loved and don't know what it feels like to be hungry, scared for the safety of their parents and themselves, or worry about violence. I know you wanted to be the one to give them this gift but they have it now and you are also free from pain.

The children are happy and they have started asking about you about once a week. They ask where you are and we let them know you are their angel and are resting in heaven. They have your eye shape and Little Miss has your height. Little Dude has made a full recovery from his drug exposure at birth. The incredible dimples and easy going nature of his are going to help this early life hurdle from ever getting in his way again. He's incredible and my absolute joy. Thank you for making it to the hospital in time for his birth to get the care he needed.

I know you wanted to keep Little Miss' hair long but she wanted it cut and we went last weekend for her first haircut. It was cut by her aunt at a salon just a block from the motel you lived in. I felt guilty as we drove by on our way there. Her joy in the experience would win you over I'm sure. She was a trooper and didn't shed a tear. She loved her shorter hair and wouldn't stop smiling.

You are ever present in my thoughts and I thank you every day for the gift you have given us.

Wishing you peace,
S

A Painful Milestone

Ever since I first began thinking about adoption with any level of seriousness I've had a fear of my child saying in anger something to the effect of "You're not my real Mom". This could of course be said in so many different ways and I imagined many of them. I knew this kind of statement was inevitable, I just didn't expect to hear it tonight for the first time.

Today was the first day back in daycare after a week long break and the kids were wired when they got home. I'm sure it had something to do with the combo of rain equaling inside play all day in a small area and the birthday cake they had there. I haven't been feeling well so a I didn't have dinner at the ready and decided to whip something up quickly. The kids picked at their tuna melt begrudgingly because they didn't like it but really wanted a little of the chocolate donut (aka Bundt cake) left over from the weekend. After 5 minutes of picking and giggling we called it quits and I began cleaning Little Miss up.

As I grabbed her hand I heard her say "No! I want my Mommy." I looked at her and said "Oh?". She then looked me square in the eye and said "Mommy Jennifer". This is the first time she's ever said her birth mother's name on her own, without repeating what I've just said. I asked her if she remembered Mommy Jennifer and she nodded her head yes.  I told her I was glad she remembered her and unbuckled her booster seat.

She got down from the table in a bit of a foul mood knowing there was no cake in her future. She quickly ran off to grab a toy to taunt her brother with so he'd chase her around the house. Both kids began to run and giggle. The cake was long forgotten in a mater of minutes.

I was left hurt, confused, curious about her memory, and in awe that something we've been talking about has sunk in and that my little girl was smart enough to know just how to use that information. She somehow knows just the right button to push at just the right time. Did I mention she's just shy of 3 1/2? I'm in trouble.

As I analyzed my thoughts on the exchange and Little Miss bounced off the walls I knew I was bigger than feeling upset about this. I knew this was not an "adoption" problem. I could make it that but it's just a twist in our story that can be used as a "card". The same card can and does get played with step parents or single parents. In the end I would have felt the same way if she's said "I hate you" which she pretty much said when she told me she didn't like me before running off from the table. I know it won't be the last time she says it and I know times in the future she'll really mean it. The bottom line is I need to set my feelings aside during the rough times because that is what gets me going and sends us on a course to butt heads.

When about 30 minutes had passed I showed Little Miss the photo we have of them with their Birth Mother and asked her who it was. She pointed to herself and her brother right away but said she didn't know who the woman was. I told her it was Mommy Jennifer and she said "oh, her?" then ran off. Ok, this wasn't the pent up ammo I imagined. No, she doesn't have a clear memory of her Birth Mother.

This is only the start of a long and difficult road. The embrace and "I love you" I got from Little Miss as she went to bed tonight were also a reminder it's a road filled with the highest of highs  and lowest of lows...sometimes in the span of just an hour.

Birth Family Daydreaming

I'll admit right now I worry about a lot of crap years before I need to even think about it but I own it and know it's pointless. One such worry is the birth family fantasies I expect my kids to have and the emotional pain it might cause them down the road. I expect they will invest a lot more time thinking about what could have been or what will be than I have already.

I have spent a lot of time over the last two years thinking about their birth family. For the first few months I was dying to meet the kids bio Mom because I wanted to know what she looked like, her personality, how likely she was to be involved in the process and her chances of getting the kids back. I would hear songs on the radio and wonder if it was something she listened to as well. She would pop into my head at random and I'd start wondering what she was doing that very moment and what it would feel like to miss the kids the way she did.

This kind of thought process happened continually until her rights were terminated. Then my thoughts started shifting to a fantasy where we would meet up with her a few times a year and she would get to see the kids. In this fantasy she was sober, in a healthy and safe place, employed,  and looking to make her way in the world. That was my hope for her and my hope for the kids to get to see her in that way.

When their bio Mom passed away my daydreams of what our relationship could look like died too. It then shifted to wondering what her final days were like. In my head it played out like an episode of Intervention gone wrong where they just didn't make it to that life changing meeting and offer of help.

When we got in touch with other members of the kids bio family I started to have these day dreams again of what our interaction might look like in the future. Last week we met in person for the first time and I hoped it would be the start of a great thing for the kids. It is still too early to say what that may turn out to be in the future but the meeting itself and the lack of communication following has shown me once again that matters of the heart are unpredictable and complex.

I thought our time together went well and I followed up with an email letting them know as soon I we got home. At the end of our visit the bio family mentioned wanting photos and meeting with other members of their family but now I'm not so sure continued meetups will happen. As I think about this from their perspective I'm realizing I don't know what their idea of future contact looks like. They mentioned several times how concerned they were with the welfare of the kids. Our meeting and the lack of contact following it has me wondering if we "passed the test" as in they feel good enough about the kids caretakers that they can let go. I have to remind myself the visits might be painful for them as it's a reminder of their loss.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post but these were thoughts I wanted to get out of my head. I imagine they are common thoughts for any other over-thinking adoptive parent :)

Meeting the Bio Family

I have had email contact with several of the kids bio family members over the last 6 months, some of which are local and others not. We were invited to meet with their family at a reunion which was taking place at one of their homes and again to participate in the kids bio Mom's memorial service. I declined those invites as I felt they would both be overwhelming and highly emotional. It just wasn't what I wanted for a first meeting. I planned a picnic at a park near our adoption agency with the agency itself as our fall back if the weather was bad.

I set clear expectations before we met. I would not be telling the kids we were going there to meet them and the best way for them to interact would just to be to start playing. The kids get shy when they are introduced and know a bunch of people are looking at them. They don't like to be center of attention. I also wanted to remind them while they have a clear understanding of their connection and a large emotional attachment, the kids do not. I never got a response to that email so I was nervous about how it was perceived and if our boundaries would be respected.

We made a quick stop at a cupcake and coffee shop across the street from the park to pick up treats to share. I was so distracted and anxious about our meeting I didn't even blink when I was charged $44 for my coffee and mini cupcakes (I got that resolved later). We headed out pushing our loaded up stroller looking for a level entry into the park. As I glimpsed up the stairs I saw their family setting up their chairs and tried to settle my nerves as we pushed further up the block. As we entered the small park there was the awkward moment of us seeing each other for the first time. It meant everything to all the adults there and nothing to the kids. I'm so thankful for that because in a second they were off to play. I quickly said hello and followed my kids onto the playground. I then had casual conversation with their Great Aunt as she stood next to me. It was comfortable as we could both have our eyes trained on the kids digging in the sand box. Kind of like you'd make small talk with another parent.

 We met with the kids Great Aunt who is significant because she had custody of the kids bio Mom off and on throughout her childhood. Along with her partner and their 17 year old son who looked up to the kids bio Mom as a big sister. They also brought the kids Maternal Great Grandparents. I had exchanged many email with their Great Aunt so it was nice to talk with her in person and attach a voice to the words.

Our visit lasted just over two hours which seemed to fly by. The kids had an awesome time playing. They were able play catch with everyone and share a meal. We did a lot of talking at a very high level of our families. It was a respectful dance on both sides in an attempt to not cross any boundaries. We remained very vague on where we lived with it being obvious some of them thought the park was near our home and a place we visit often (not true). I was asked near the end to please share our address when we feel comfortable so they can send card even though that can already be done through our agency.

Another emotionally charged moment was the bio family asking about how D was doing since they knew he was born drug exposed. There was fear and shame in the tone when the question was uttered and relief when I assured them he is amazing. I did go into details on the first difficult months so they would not have any illusion that the drug exposure had no impact on him. I also talked about Zoe's insatiable appetite when she came to live with us and they confirmed my suspicions about her lack of nutrition were true. They also talked about how she was a "rigid" baby at about 6 months and wouldn't cuddle or interact with you much. It's funny because now she LOVES to snuggle and is known as a little cuddle bug. This just shows what love and nurturing can do for a child.

There was difficulty in them understanding the kids have no concept of who they are yet. The bio family asked several times if the kids know who their bio mom is and if they ask about her. I explained we talk about her and show them pictures often but they are just not interested. Anyone besides us as their parents just isn't a thought they have because as far as they know at this moment, the kids have all they need. This will of course change and that is why I'm so glad we're meeting them now. That side of their family won't be a mystery. My only regret was not capturing photos.

They gave us a treasure of photos from their family and the back of the album includes a photo of our family and one of the kids alone together. Is is symbolic and touching, something we all will treasure. I'm so glad the initial meeting is over and I hope they left feeling good about the kids well being. Zoe told me as she laid down for her nap "I want to go back to that park and see my family sometime." I couldn't agree with her more and I resolve to make that happen.

PICC

Tonight I want to talk about something I've held fairly close to my chest for some time now. At first it was because we were not allowed to share it. Now we make the call on what part of the kids story we share. We make decisions about what to share with great care. If it is done for the need of venting, it's not ok for us to share that with more than a handful of people and certainly not in a public forum such as this. My reason for sharing now is that we'll be a featured family on our agencies blog next week and it discusses the start of my sons life which was the catalyst for my kids being placed with us.

I'm sure many people have assumed there were issues with drug exposure but I want to clearly say there were. My son tested positive for several substances at birth meaning he'd recently been exposed. We have no idea how many times he was exposed through the course of his mother's pregnancy but we do know what it was just before she went into labor. He spent the first 5 weeks of his life at the Pediatric Infant Care Center (PICC) in Kent, WA going through withdrawals until he was weaned and no longer in need of morphine to help ease him through the process. 5 weeks at this center is on the shorter end of time usually spent there so we felt lucky he was able to come home to us that quickly.

The first two months were rough. There's no way to sugar coat it. That was in part due to his special needs of low stimulus (low lights, little to no noise, and kept tightly swaddled) but even more so the shock of becoming first time parents to two children under the age of 1. It rocked our world but in a great way.

We had 24/7 support over the phone for any questions or concerns. We had in home visits from nurses and access to a fantastic children's center who helped us find strategies to get Little Dude through the roughest patches. Yes we had to deal with inconsolable crying for hours on end for the first two months but now he's a chill and mellow kid. We never had to see him go through shakes or other withdrawal symptoms which can be hard to watch.

We felt it was important to speak out because kids born with drug exposure (excluding alcohol which often causes permanent damage) are incredibly resilient and if given a loving supportive home they can accomplish incredible things and go on to live without any issues linked to those found at birth. I'm proud to say my son is exceeding in every developmental category, he's perfect.

There is so much stigma of what a "crack baby" is and it's tragic. There is also not a lot of data available because there is so much unknown. It's rare that a child is born with exposure to just one thing, as was the case with Little Dude. You can read about what say cocaine does to a child but you don't know what it means for your child when paired with other drugs. Each child often has their own "cocktail" of substances present so comparing one to another is difficult.

I want people to know these children should not be neglected and people should not be afraid to open their hearts to them. I also never want a label assigned to my son that reflects in anything other than positive. I don't know yet how we'll talk to him about the start of his life but it's a discussion we'll have to have. We want him to know he has risks and experimentation with drugs for him could result in very different outcomes than what might happen for his friends.

We have no regrets and are VERY proud of the child he is today. No one could convince us he's is less than perfect in anyway...not from the moment we first laid eyes on him or until he's an old man himself.

New doors

It's been an eventful week on an emotional level. I'm not a stranger to grief and grief for the sudden loss of a parent is one that hits a little too close to home. I think of my Dad constantly and I think of little things I wish he was around to see or for me to tell him about all the time. Those are the times that the loss hits you. This has now started to happen with the kids birth Mom. In addition to the things I think about telling her I think about things the kids will want to tell her and won't really be able to do outside of a prayer.

Along with the news of her passing we were given contact information for her mother. They had not been in contact for several years at the time of her passing so getting this info was a surprise. One door closes, another opens...so cliche but so true.

I struggled with what to do with this information for a few days because while I saw it as a way to possibly get answers to some of the questions I know my kids will have it was a potential threat to our family. They have no legal rights as we're finalized with adoption but it still felt/feels like a threat. That's one of the biggest struggles of open adoption. The internal fight to opening your heart and family unit to other people. It takes getting over your own feelings of how you might be judged by others and your children to let other people in to love them.

I knew deep down from the moment I got the info I'd contact her, it was just a matter of when and what to say. It would have to be by email for so many reasons, it would have to express our sympathy for her loss, we need to prove we're decent people, show her the kids are well cared for, and most important for us it needed to outline our boundaries while clearly showing we have no intention of allowing any disruption to our family unit to occur. I also wanted to include a gift. A message of hope for the future of her grandchildren and the final heart wrenching words we received from her daughter not long before she died. Words that spoke of her peace of mind with us and the dire situation she was in. Even though they were hard words to read they are the final words from her child.

We waited 4 days to hear back from her but received emails from other family members within 24 hours. I knew she had read it and forwarded our email address. This has opened many new doors which are exciting, loving, strange, scary, and just plain painful. Each family has their own flavor of  "crazy" and when it's your own you might recognize it as crazy but you know it's boundary and you understand the good along with the bad. I'm an outsider and it's scary seeing this mix of good and bad. After all my kids were removed for a reason so to think other than their birth mother, there is a family just like mine or that of my friends is unreasonable. If there was, why didn't they take the kids in?

I'm learning those answers now and doing constant checks on our safety and limits. I'm SO thankful we have finalized and I'm in control. I can't imagine the State ordering me to leave my kids for a few hours with strangers for visitation. Three or four months ago we would have had to comply. Now we're in charge and there's no book on how to do this. We're making it up as we go along and using our hearts and God as our guide.

I used to say my worst fear was getting a call telling us the kids birth Mom had another baby and would we be open to taking it. Since she was only 22 when my son was born, the chances of this happening were not far fetched. I'd find it nearly impossible to say no without heavy guilt. Things for the first year just seemed SO hard because having two kids under 2 IS so hard. I couldn't imagine taking on another at the time.

Today I learned that is not the worst kind of unexpected contact you can get. We learned the kids birth Mom passed away yesterday. It took the breath out of my lungs and had me collapse after reading the first line. I couldn't get my mouth to stop saying "No, no, no". I cried for my kids and all the questions they will never have answered. I cried for her and the tragic end to a life filled with so much pain and hurt. I cried for the hope I had in a relationship in the future which now will never happen.

I received an email from her on the 17th of January. I knew at the time she was in a dark place but there were things happening which called for some change to occur and I of course had hope that change would come in a positive direction. I knew due to her circumstances it might be a great while before we had contact again. I didn't see the email until a week after it was sent since I only check that account sporadically. I replied right away begging for information about her so we could talk to the kids about her likes and dislikes as a way to have a connection with her even if only through conversation. I never got a response and it's devastating to know I never will.

This has closed one door and opened another which we've yet to begin to explore and I'm not sure when we will. More on that when we're ready for it. Grief for someone you've had such a complicated relationship with is a very strange thing. I'm also grieving for my kids loss. Some might say this was expected and even though when I look at all the facts I could say "sure that is not a stretch" it's crushing to have the flame of hope you held for someone extinguished.

So many confusing thoughts, unanswered questions, and sadness. Yes I'm glad my kids were spared so much pain they could have seen if not living with us. The last email I received from her opened with this - "I am so very glad that my babies are in the best hands and having fun and a totally completely opposite life then I did as a child.". At the end of it she thanked me for taking care of her babies and I only hope she could feel how truly thankful we are for her.

May she rest in peace and finally be the mother she hoped to be by watching over the kids.