I'll admit right now I worry about a lot of crap years before I need to even think about it but I own it and know it's pointless. One such worry is the birth family fantasies I expect my kids to have and the emotional pain it might cause them down the road. I expect they will invest a lot more time thinking about what could have been or what will be than I have already.
I have spent a lot of time over the last two years thinking about their birth family. For the first few months I was dying to meet the kids bio Mom because I wanted to know what she looked like, her personality, how likely she was to be involved in the process and her chances of getting the kids back. I would hear songs on the radio and wonder if it was something she listened to as well. She would pop into my head at random and I'd start wondering what she was doing that very moment and what it would feel like to miss the kids the way she did.
This kind of thought process happened continually until her rights were terminated. Then my thoughts started shifting to a fantasy where we would meet up with her a few times a year and she would get to see the kids. In this fantasy she was sober, in a healthy and safe place, employed, and looking to make her way in the world. That was my hope for her and my hope for the kids to get to see her in that way.
When their bio Mom passed away my daydreams of what our relationship could look like died too. It then shifted to wondering what her final days were like. In my head it played out like an episode of Intervention gone wrong where they just didn't make it to that life changing meeting and offer of help.
When we got in touch with other members of the kids bio family I started to have these day dreams again of what our interaction might look like in the future. Last week we met in person for the first time and I hoped it would be the start of a great thing for the kids. It is still too early to say what that may turn out to be in the future but the meeting itself and the lack of communication following has shown me once again that matters of the heart are unpredictable and complex.
I thought our time together went well and I followed up with an email letting them know as soon I we got home. At the end of our visit the bio family mentioned wanting photos and meeting with other members of their family but now I'm not so sure continued meetups will happen. As I think about this from their perspective I'm realizing I don't know what their idea of future contact looks like. They mentioned several times how concerned they were with the welfare of the kids. Our meeting and the lack of contact following it has me wondering if we "passed the test" as in they feel good enough about the kids caretakers that they can let go. I have to remind myself the visits might be painful for them as it's a reminder of their loss.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this post but these were thoughts I wanted to get out of my head. I imagine they are common thoughts for any other over-thinking adoptive parent :)
Sarah, as I read your post the thing that stood out most to me is what we all want, acceptance, a sense of belonging and most of all unconditional love. Unfortunately for you the birth mother was not capable of any of these emotions and feelings due to her circumstances. You and Jay have now provided all of this to those two precious children. Your path has been so bumpy but in the end still you are now the parents and your job is to nurture and love them. The birth mothers family may have your children's "blood" but you definitely have their heart. Just keep on being the loving, caring, generous person that you are. You ponder these thoughts because you care so much. I am so proud and in awe of both you and Jay. Love & hugs, Aunt Julie
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