This is kind of a heavy topic for a Friday night but it's something that's been rattling around my brain all week. Not long before my Dad passed away I discovered Greg Laswell and listened to him a lot. One song I loved but haven't been able to bring myself to listen to until just a few weeks ago is What a Day. If you've never heard it, give it a listen.
There's a line from that song that brings up so much emotion "bring on the evidence of my life". I am the evidence of my Dad's life in a physical sense. As I struggled to have a family of my own, this line captured the essence of one of my deepest fears - having no evidence of my life. It depressed me to create scrapbooks because I would think to myself no one is going to care about this crap when I die if I don't have kids. Of course that's not entirely true but if it's in your head it can make a pretty convincing argument when there's no one to bring reason to it.
Listening to this song again made me think about this fear and how my thoughts on it have changed since I've become a mother. It's taken actually becoming a mother, especially through adoption to realize how entirely irrational that thought process is. I'll never have physical proof of my existence unless I'm somehow mummified. It really doesn't matter if you have kids or not. Your life is about the connections you make and the impact you have on peoples lives in whatever form that may take.
When you want something so bad it's all consuming, it can be hard to be rational. I doubt coming to this realization sooner would have changed our decision on becoming parents but wow how I wish I'd figured this out to save myself some depression. It makes me realize seeing a physical version of me is entirely something that would be pleasing to me but how I parent that child is what matters. To both them and the world they live in. This is pretty basic stuff but maybe someone else is struggling with that fear and all they need to hear is there was another irrational person thinking about it. It's important to recognize your progress as you grow wiser and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a big "a ha" that will help me be better in every sense.