Today is special because it marks four months since we became a family. It's flown by and looking back has me realize how far each of us has come since we met.
We now have a walker and both kids eating solids. Jay and I are skilled at diaper changing and dressing the child who doesn't see a need for clothes. Both kids smile when they see us and take comfort in our arms when they are upset. The kids know each other and now smile and laugh together. Development for each of us as people has grown considerably with many important lessons learned along the way.
Some lessons I've learned myself worth sharing are a bit taboo to talk about. Before we decided to chose adoption as a way to build our family I had worries about missing out on the birth experience. I wondered how much missing the bonding while being pregnant and the miracle of birth would impact the relationship between parent and child as well as husband and wife. I don't doubt these are the most joyous moments in life but I can tell you with 100% conviction the fact that I missed them for both these kids doesn't matter in the least. It's not possible for me to love them more. If anything we feel like we are really lucky to be experiencing an infant and a toddler at the same time. How many other people get the joy of a 1st holiday season with one child tiny enough to fit into all the cute baby things and another who is old enough to point excitedly at each new thing? It truly is the best of both worlds.
The other question I had was could I love a child that is not my own? I wondered this because I love the hell out of my nieces and nephews but there's a distinct difference in types of love. Each time I babysat I'd wonder if my relationship with a new child placed with me would be the same. I can tell you from day one it was different. Do I love them the same today as four months ago? To be honest no, it's deepened to a whole other level. But I can tell you that I felt a parental love for them from day one. It's almost impossible not to since you're responsible for them. I mean not just "keep them alive" responsible but "nurture and help them thrive" responsible. This isn't to say there haven't been moments when we don't particularly like each other but really who doesn't have that. At the end of the day we know that we all love each other and our efforts are focused towards doing what is right for the kids in this moment.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Fun Stuff
Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, smell of the air, a usually welcome change of weather, the resurgence of soups and all things pumpkin. It used to mean I'd start spending hours of time in my craft room getting reacquainted with my crafting supplies. This year I'm looking forward to trick or treating, dressing the kids up in costume, carving pumpkins, and eating Thanksgiving as a family for the first time. For the last 6 years the Holidays have been an especially difficult time for me because so many traditions focus around kids. I'm all the more grateful having the kids in our life as we start what I hope to be family traditions for years to come.
The kids are thriving and changing so much right before our eyes. Little Miss has begun pointing out balloons, pumpkins, and planes everyday. Dre has decided his favorite position is standing (with help) and loves to sit at the table and watch us eat at meal time. They are beginning to interact with each other which is really fun to see. I saw Dre laugh after Little Miss made a face at him for the first time today. It's so exciting to watch them build their sibling bond.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
50/50
Today was one of the first big milestones in progress toward adoption. There was a hearing to check on the progress of the case. I of course can't share details on this but I can share some of the outcome.
I had thought of a race as an analogy to explain where we are in the process. I shared it with Jay and he made a really good point that if I used a race it might make this appear to be a competition. That is the last thing I want to do. Decisions which will greatly impact the course of all of our lives are at play. If we are able to adopt it means someones dreams of being a mother to these precious kids has ended and the same is true on reverse. Well, maybe. More on that later.
When we took the kids in the primary goal of the state was to place the kids back with their birth mom and adoption as the back up plan. We were given some information that led us to believe the chances of being reunified with their birth mom were not the greatest. Today they had a 4 month evaluation of the case and deemed the plan has changed to concurrent for reunification and adoption. This means the legal chances are officially 50/50 for which way this case could go. There will be another court date in December to evaluate the progress once again. If things remain as they are today we have been told they will motion to switch to a primary plan of adoption (opposite of the plan when we took the kids in). If this happens it kicks off the process to terminate parental rights. We were told not to expect this to happen for around a year so this has really sped up the timeline we had in mind...which is a GOOD thing.
There are a lot of ways this could go. Progress could be made by their birth mom and the plan is switched back to the way it was at the start and flip back and forth for up to 13 months until the kids are given a permanent home with one of us.
The other option would be for their birth mom to relinquish her parental rights voluntarily. We've personally told her and passed on the message through the kids social worker that it's our honest desire to have her in the kids lives in some shape or form. The benefit to her in choosing this option is that she will get to negotiate with us on an open adoption plan. It would also give her a chance to be a parental figure in their lives even if she has lost her rights.
Things are still very fluid. Everyday I: worry about loosing them, thank God for the time with them, pray for their birth mom, and most importantly...wish these kids heath and happiness for the rest of their lives. They are an absolute joy. Most new moms wonder what their kids will look like, be like, do when they get older. I wonder all of those things too but just pray I'll be able to see it.
I had thought of a race as an analogy to explain where we are in the process. I shared it with Jay and he made a really good point that if I used a race it might make this appear to be a competition. That is the last thing I want to do. Decisions which will greatly impact the course of all of our lives are at play. If we are able to adopt it means someones dreams of being a mother to these precious kids has ended and the same is true on reverse. Well, maybe. More on that later.
When we took the kids in the primary goal of the state was to place the kids back with their birth mom and adoption as the back up plan. We were given some information that led us to believe the chances of being reunified with their birth mom were not the greatest. Today they had a 4 month evaluation of the case and deemed the plan has changed to concurrent for reunification and adoption. This means the legal chances are officially 50/50 for which way this case could go. There will be another court date in December to evaluate the progress once again. If things remain as they are today we have been told they will motion to switch to a primary plan of adoption (opposite of the plan when we took the kids in). If this happens it kicks off the process to terminate parental rights. We were told not to expect this to happen for around a year so this has really sped up the timeline we had in mind...which is a GOOD thing.
There are a lot of ways this could go. Progress could be made by their birth mom and the plan is switched back to the way it was at the start and flip back and forth for up to 13 months until the kids are given a permanent home with one of us.
The other option would be for their birth mom to relinquish her parental rights voluntarily. We've personally told her and passed on the message through the kids social worker that it's our honest desire to have her in the kids lives in some shape or form. The benefit to her in choosing this option is that she will get to negotiate with us on an open adoption plan. It would also give her a chance to be a parental figure in their lives even if she has lost her rights.
Things are still very fluid. Everyday I: worry about loosing them, thank God for the time with them, pray for their birth mom, and most importantly...wish these kids heath and happiness for the rest of their lives. They are an absolute joy. Most new moms wonder what their kids will look like, be like, do when they get older. I wonder all of those things too but just pray I'll be able to see it.
Monday, August 29, 2011
The end of an era
Here I am at the end of the day as I begin my last week at home with the kids before returning to work. It seems like yesterday that I cried for about an hour the night before staying home with both all by myself for a full day. Everyone told me that Little Dude would be a different baby by the time he hit three months. I just couldn't imagine how life would be different but I wanted that day to get here.
Since then Little Dude has calmed down considerably and changed in appearance a ton (well, about 8 pounds to be exact). He hasn't developed much of a routine nor is he sleeping through the night as I had hoped for. He's having quite a bit of awake time with lots of smiles now days.
Little Miss has begun walking! She hasn't gained even a pound and has regressed in speech while her comprehension of what you are saying has grown a TON. Thankfully she still sleeps like a champ for the most part.
While I know this is controversial, I will proudly say I'm ready to go back to work. Like many of my friends who are working Mom's I also believe working will make me a better Mom for my kids. I'm also excited for what my kids will get to learn and the friendships they will develop in Daycare. They are going to a small in home daycare that is just blocks from our house. It's really the best of both worlds for everyone.
I will miss having Little Dude sleeping on my chest in the afternoons. Visits to parks and the zoo mid week while things are quiet. And maybe most of all...afternoon nap time to get some chores done or one on one time with one kid or another.
I made a video today of the 5 minute meltdown Little Miss had today when she was so tired she couldn't do anything but lay there and cry. When I'm back at work it will be easy to go to all the happy memories of being home with the kids. In truth the happy time accounts for only about 30-40% of the day at this point. I need to remember that.
I'm excited and nervous about closing this chapter. I know life will get harder, for everyone. Just like our first adjustment it will take some getting used to but we'll get it in the end. Once we do the rewards we'll all reap from each parent getting to have some adult time along with the financial benefits that will grant the kids opportunities & experiences as a family will be worth it in the end. I'll be another Mom out there trying to have it all and I'm convinced after a little trial and error I will.
Since then Little Dude has calmed down considerably and changed in appearance a ton (well, about 8 pounds to be exact). He hasn't developed much of a routine nor is he sleeping through the night as I had hoped for. He's having quite a bit of awake time with lots of smiles now days.
Little Miss has begun walking! She hasn't gained even a pound and has regressed in speech while her comprehension of what you are saying has grown a TON. Thankfully she still sleeps like a champ for the most part.
While I know this is controversial, I will proudly say I'm ready to go back to work. Like many of my friends who are working Mom's I also believe working will make me a better Mom for my kids. I'm also excited for what my kids will get to learn and the friendships they will develop in Daycare. They are going to a small in home daycare that is just blocks from our house. It's really the best of both worlds for everyone.
I will miss having Little Dude sleeping on my chest in the afternoons. Visits to parks and the zoo mid week while things are quiet. And maybe most of all...afternoon nap time to get some chores done or one on one time with one kid or another.
I made a video today of the 5 minute meltdown Little Miss had today when she was so tired she couldn't do anything but lay there and cry. When I'm back at work it will be easy to go to all the happy memories of being home with the kids. In truth the happy time accounts for only about 30-40% of the day at this point. I need to remember that.
I'm excited and nervous about closing this chapter. I know life will get harder, for everyone. Just like our first adjustment it will take some getting used to but we'll get it in the end. Once we do the rewards we'll all reap from each parent getting to have some adult time along with the financial benefits that will grant the kids opportunities & experiences as a family will be worth it in the end. I'll be another Mom out there trying to have it all and I'm convinced after a little trial and error I will.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Fun Stuff
We've been setting into a routine (which will change in three weeks when I return to work) and the new family life is starting to feel more like the norm. I feel like I'm emerging from survival mode. At first everything was done with the sake of just making it through the day. I mean this in terms of getting the kids adjusted into life with us and the things needed to do that.
We had less than 24 hours notice they were coming and while I had felt pretty prepared for one, I wasn't at all ready for two...especially an infant. We needed SO MANY things! The first three weeks or so felt like a marathon of trips to Target, scouring Craigslist, and the endless supply from friends and family (the lions share!). Last weekend we had a baby shower with friends and I felt like we turned a corner. At last we have the essentials needed for each kid and we've now begun to build up what I've come to consider the "fun stuff". We have extra clothes, toys, and beautiful handmade quilts that will be heirlooms. I've been able to nest in their rooms putting each of these special things in their place. The act of doing this really makes me feel more settled as a family.
While it is only things, it's an amazing feeling to not have to worry about what we'll change a diaper on or needing big items like cribs, dressers, and strollers. The scales are starting to slightly tip towards fun as opposed to work. It's kind of like going on a camping trip for the first time as a novice camper. You head out into the woods with a tent, sleeping bags, and a cooler. You've got the essentials to sleep and eat but neither are easy or comfortable. I feel like we've upgraded to our tent trailer and now have all the tools. Everyone's in a better mood when they are sleeping, comfortable, and have the tools that make life easier.
We have our last shower today with my family and I'm really looking forward to spending time with them. It also marks the end of newness in a sense in that there are now no other big welcome events on the horizon. This feels great to know we're settling in and had the BEST welcome and outpouring of love for these kids. It's been incredible!
We had less than 24 hours notice they were coming and while I had felt pretty prepared for one, I wasn't at all ready for two...especially an infant. We needed SO MANY things! The first three weeks or so felt like a marathon of trips to Target, scouring Craigslist, and the endless supply from friends and family (the lions share!). Last weekend we had a baby shower with friends and I felt like we turned a corner. At last we have the essentials needed for each kid and we've now begun to build up what I've come to consider the "fun stuff". We have extra clothes, toys, and beautiful handmade quilts that will be heirlooms. I've been able to nest in their rooms putting each of these special things in their place. The act of doing this really makes me feel more settled as a family.
While it is only things, it's an amazing feeling to not have to worry about what we'll change a diaper on or needing big items like cribs, dressers, and strollers. The scales are starting to slightly tip towards fun as opposed to work. It's kind of like going on a camping trip for the first time as a novice camper. You head out into the woods with a tent, sleeping bags, and a cooler. You've got the essentials to sleep and eat but neither are easy or comfortable. I feel like we've upgraded to our tent trailer and now have all the tools. Everyone's in a better mood when they are sleeping, comfortable, and have the tools that make life easier.
We have our last shower today with my family and I'm really looking forward to spending time with them. It also marks the end of newness in a sense in that there are now no other big welcome events on the horizon. This feels great to know we're settling in and had the BEST welcome and outpouring of love for these kids. It's been incredible!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
First Week Alone
I've done it and survived 5 full days at home with the kids on my own. It's really not the days that I'm impressed with but that I've lived to remain sane after 5 full days of play and 5 nights of full duty which means no more than 2 hours in a row of sleep. I've come to terms with the fact that one child will almost always just have to be upset for a while until I'm able to tend to their needs. Their needs remain quite different but little Dre has improved to where he can tolerate some stimulus. This means we can have music on or even the TV and some lights...WOW!
Every hour and first we see draws us more tightly attached together. I've given up hope that I can keep a wall up to protect my heart in the case they go back to their Birth Mom. It's not fair to either of us for me to hold back any of my love and attention. We will keep living with the belief they will be here forever within reason. This allows us to live in the moment and enjoy what we have today. Each night I find myself saying a prayer praising God for the time we've had together and that it continues as long as He has planned.
We've spoken with their social worker on timeline for finalization and it will be at least a year before we can complete an adoption for either of them. This is if things remain going as is. If their Birth Mother suddenly makes great improvements or becomes disengaged for whatever reason the timeline could change to faster or slower. There's no telling but we've been told to expect to have them for at least a year even if this is a temporary home for them.
This week we've seen Dre have more awake time and found out he's gained two pounds since coming to live with us. His cheeks might need their own zip code soon. We've graduated from size 1 diapers and moved onto size 2!
Little Miss has started trying to walk even more. She had a few moments where she stood on her own with no hands! We've also made significant progress to stop the whining at meal time. She has her signs for "more" and "all done" down. We still hear some whining but she's learned she has to sign to get what she wants. She has also said her first word - Mama! She's quite proud of it. There are several others she is trying to say and many she knows and can point to but just not say yet.
Every hour and first we see draws us more tightly attached together. I've given up hope that I can keep a wall up to protect my heart in the case they go back to their Birth Mom. It's not fair to either of us for me to hold back any of my love and attention. We will keep living with the belief they will be here forever within reason. This allows us to live in the moment and enjoy what we have today. Each night I find myself saying a prayer praising God for the time we've had together and that it continues as long as He has planned.
We've spoken with their social worker on timeline for finalization and it will be at least a year before we can complete an adoption for either of them. This is if things remain going as is. If their Birth Mother suddenly makes great improvements or becomes disengaged for whatever reason the timeline could change to faster or slower. There's no telling but we've been told to expect to have them for at least a year even if this is a temporary home for them.
This week we've seen Dre have more awake time and found out he's gained two pounds since coming to live with us. His cheeks might need their own zip code soon. We've graduated from size 1 diapers and moved onto size 2!
Little Miss has started trying to walk even more. She had a few moments where she stood on her own with no hands! We've also made significant progress to stop the whining at meal time. She has her signs for "more" and "all done" down. We still hear some whining but she's learned she has to sign to get what she wants. She has also said her first word - Mama! She's quite proud of it. There are several others she is trying to say and many she knows and can point to but just not say yet.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Placement in a snap...
So much to catch up on! I wanted to share a little about how our placement happened and what life has been like since. It started back on 6/23 when we saw a referral for a 1 month old boy and his 11 month old sister needing placement before 7/4. We sent our agency a message saying we'd like to be considered. That weekend we went away to a family reunion knowing it would likely be our only chance to camp this summer. The possibility of the placement was in the back of our minds but we knew there would be a lot of people interested in such a young set of siblings.
We heard on Monday afternoon that another family had been selected to take in the kiddos. No big deal, we will be chosen when it's supposed to happen. Fast forward to 3:30 on Wednesday and I find out the previous family has fallen through and we're next in line. They want to know if we can pick up the 1 month old today...as in a few hours I'll be dealing with a newborn! I frantically called Jay to discuss and called the social worker back saying yes we can do that. As I was driving home to pick up the car seat I got a call saying to hold off and they will have us pick them both up on Thursday 6/30. Phew..but still! We had another crib and car seat to find right away. Thankfully we have amazing friends and family come to the rescue.
There is very little we can share about the kids but I can promise that we also know very little at this point. There is still a fairly high chance they could eventually be place back with their birth mother, father, or another family member who may come forward. We were told to expect a long road until finalization since the case is so new. No matter the outcome I know we are making a difference in these kids lives. Hour by hour I become attached and I hope it doesn't come to them having to leave but I will cherish the time we have now. I don't expect they would be going back anytime soon even if they do eventually.
I can't share photos that identify who they are and I'm not comfortable sharing names in a public forum such as this. What I can tell you is they are absolutely beautiful children. I've taken to calling the girl Little Miss and her eyes and eyelashes are to die for...she gives the Kardashians a run for their money. The Little Man is a head of dark silky hair and sweet baby cheeks.
We've been thrown headfirst into parenting and it's all we can do to survive. Little Miss is a sleeper going down without a fight (knock on wood) and only waking if she drops her paci. She doesn't walk yet or stand willingly which makes having both awake at the same time a challenge. The little guy is still a newborn who's having a rough start to life. He's on a 4 hour scheduled of eating, peeing/pooping, swaddling, consoling, and a little sleep if we're lucky. He also has what we've come to call his "witching hours" where he crys inconsolably from about 7:00 PM to 9:00 ish PM. My biggest struggle is the two have completely opposite needs when they become upset. She needs one on one play or snuggles that make her laugh. He needs total silence, no stimulus, and dim/dark lights. They tend to have meltdowns at the same time and when there's just one person here...it's ROUGH on everyone.
We knew going into this there would be no sleep and everything would become all about the kids. Still it doesn't really prepare you until you have it handed to you like a slap in the face. Although neither of us have slept for more than 2 hours in a row since we picked them up and we're completely exhausted there are plenty of high lights. Smiles when we go into wake her up, giggles from tickling, waves nighty night, sweet baby snuggles, soft baby head under your chin, those dreamy brown eyes looking back at you. Whenever I have just one of them to manage at a time I think to myself "I've totally got this, what was I worried about?". We're taking it day by day knowing it will get better and eternally grateful for all the help we have been given by soooo many people.
Time for my late night shift so I have to sign off :)
We heard on Monday afternoon that another family had been selected to take in the kiddos. No big deal, we will be chosen when it's supposed to happen. Fast forward to 3:30 on Wednesday and I find out the previous family has fallen through and we're next in line. They want to know if we can pick up the 1 month old today...as in a few hours I'll be dealing with a newborn! I frantically called Jay to discuss and called the social worker back saying yes we can do that. As I was driving home to pick up the car seat I got a call saying to hold off and they will have us pick them both up on Thursday 6/30. Phew..but still! We had another crib and car seat to find right away. Thankfully we have amazing friends and family come to the rescue.
There is very little we can share about the kids but I can promise that we also know very little at this point. There is still a fairly high chance they could eventually be place back with their birth mother, father, or another family member who may come forward. We were told to expect a long road until finalization since the case is so new. No matter the outcome I know we are making a difference in these kids lives. Hour by hour I become attached and I hope it doesn't come to them having to leave but I will cherish the time we have now. I don't expect they would be going back anytime soon even if they do eventually.
I can't share photos that identify who they are and I'm not comfortable sharing names in a public forum such as this. What I can tell you is they are absolutely beautiful children. I've taken to calling the girl Little Miss and her eyes and eyelashes are to die for...she gives the Kardashians a run for their money. The Little Man is a head of dark silky hair and sweet baby cheeks.
We've been thrown headfirst into parenting and it's all we can do to survive. Little Miss is a sleeper going down without a fight (knock on wood) and only waking if she drops her paci. She doesn't walk yet or stand willingly which makes having both awake at the same time a challenge. The little guy is still a newborn who's having a rough start to life. He's on a 4 hour scheduled of eating, peeing/pooping, swaddling, consoling, and a little sleep if we're lucky. He also has what we've come to call his "witching hours" where he crys inconsolably from about 7:00 PM to 9:00 ish PM. My biggest struggle is the two have completely opposite needs when they become upset. She needs one on one play or snuggles that make her laugh. He needs total silence, no stimulus, and dim/dark lights. They tend to have meltdowns at the same time and when there's just one person here...it's ROUGH on everyone.
We knew going into this there would be no sleep and everything would become all about the kids. Still it doesn't really prepare you until you have it handed to you like a slap in the face. Although neither of us have slept for more than 2 hours in a row since we picked them up and we're completely exhausted there are plenty of high lights. Smiles when we go into wake her up, giggles from tickling, waves nighty night, sweet baby snuggles, soft baby head under your chin, those dreamy brown eyes looking back at you. Whenever I have just one of them to manage at a time I think to myself "I've totally got this, what was I worried about?". We're taking it day by day knowing it will get better and eternally grateful for all the help we have been given by soooo many people.
Time for my late night shift so I have to sign off :)
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