Oh...where to start. I've been thinking about writing my thoughts on Mother's Day for about two weeks as it approached and I could never really pin point what I wanted my message to be. How do I express my feelings without it sounding like a pity party and how to I resolve my inner conflict of the meaning of the day? I sit here the day after still not knowing the answers to these questions but allowing myself to just write.
As a person who has struggled to become a mother of a living breathing child for 6 years now, Mother's Day is one of the hardest of the year for me to face. It's a day I wrestle with the demons of depression and grieve all over again for every time I was disappointed in this battle. Another day to ask why I've been given this challenge in life. To remember that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your dreams can't be realized in the way you've always envisioned.
This coupled with a day set aside to honor the women out there who are amazing Mothers. Including my own, and believe me she deserves a day just in honor of her. I want to embrace that and honor my own mother as well as every woman I know that has, is, or will be a mother in what ever form it may take. I want to be the first to stand up and applaud them.
It's an amazing internal battle that plays out in my head. Even though I'm so close to being a mother at long last, this continues to be a very real struggle. I allow myself this day to have whatever feelings I may. I think it's important to grant myself permission to feel any way I want with no apology. It might sound strange but I almost relish in these feeling and the ability I now how to feel them and move on. There was a time not too long ago with these feelings were part of my daily reality and I wasn't sure I'd ever feel better. I am very aware there are countless women in that same position today and by allowing myself to remember and feel this I pray and hope they too will find peace.
As I left work on Friday I had someone comment to me that this would me my last Mother's Day without a child. Even though this may be true I hope I never forget what it is like to be a hopeful Mother and the very real struggle they face day in and out. I will be saying a prayer for them every Mother's Day for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for those that have known this struggle first hand and come through to the other side that continue to comfort those of use who are still on the road to fulfilling a life long dream.
I give my deepest appreciation to all of the Mothers (in whatever form it may be) and applaud those who are fighting so hard for this role.