Jake Says...

Jake Says

Yes I'm adopted
My folks were not blessed
With me in the usual way.
But they picked me.
They chose me
From all the rest,
Which is lots more than
Most kids can say.

Shel Silverstein

I just had this poem created into a graphic I will hang in the kids rooms and had the proof sent to me today. In the version I'll print the "they picked me" and "from all the rest" is in bold and wow did that ring true.

I met a coworker for coffee today who I heard had foster kids. About 15 minutes into our conversation I learned that she and her husband played a MAJOR role in us ending up with the kids we did. See we had submitted our home study (along with hundreds of others I'm sure) to be selected as Foster Parents for the kids. It was a rare a chance at a sibling set which are so young come along with a case that looks like it will end in adoption. We heard a few days later than someone else had been selected. Bummer, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. There was a family meeting that took place between the couple who was selected and everyone else who was already involved in the case. When they had that meeting it was discovered there were some things incorrect in the paperwork and that couple decided this was not the match they hoped it would be. After a difficult decision and some tears for them they decided to withdraw from the case.

Just after that meeting at 3:30 I got a call and was asked "Are you still interested? Great, they need to be picked up by 6:00 PM.". The woman I met today was that other family who had been selected. Essentially her choice is what granted us the family we have. The kids were considered "high in demand" because of age and other things in their case, it made them prime candidates for hopeful adoptive families.

When I learned her role in this I couldn't hold back tears. My heart was jumping out of my chest. I wanted to jump up and hug her and at the same time ask "do you know what you missed out on?!". As she said, everything ended up as it should have. She is currently close to adoption with two boys who are out of the age range we wanted. She was just as eager to ask how the kids are doing. She had told me she thought of them often and wondered what happened to them.

I know exactly what she was feeling since I often wonder about kids profiles we saw come through as well. You hope the best for all of them but the chances of ever knowing what happened to them are slim to none. It's incredible our paths crossed. Had I not recently changed jobs, I doubt they ever would.

I'm notorious for having these types of small world moments. It's amazing and scary because now we have some people in our lives who we're hesitant to randomly reconnect with. I'm just looking forward to see who else God brings into my life and why. 

This is getting real...

This afternoon Jay and I went to a meeting with a state adoption social worker. He walked us through some paperwork, explained the benefits available to us post finalization, the negotiation process to determine the benefits, and what happens next. He said all told he thinks we could be finalized in about two months.

We just need to wait for the final termination of rights for the unknown father(s) for the kids to be legally free and ready to adopt. That court date hasn't been set yet but it's expected to be at the end of May or early June. Once that happens and if rights are terminated (as they expect to happen) we'll be given all information they have on the kids. For the most part we already know everything since they've lived with us almost their whole lives. But I am curious to read what the reports say about us and what happened at visits!

Then our lawyer will file for a petition for adoption and we'll be assigned a court date. This usually has a 2-5 week wait time and they happen every Monday. While we wait for that we'll work on the mountain of paperwork (no biggie really) and just wait for the dates to roll around.

In talking with them tonight the reality of the situation sunk in. From the start of thinking about this type of adoption, or any for that matter, the concept of open adoption has been on our mind. Each one is unique so there's no telling what it will look like for you in the end. Our hope was an exchange of letters and photos and possibly a visit once or twice a year. Today we learned it will be nothing at all. To many I'm sure that sounds like a relief and in some ways it is but it also complicates things. We want our kids to know where they came from and who their birth mom is as long as that's a safe relationship. Now it's completely up to us what kind of contact there will be if the opportunity ever presents itself. We'll see what time brings and always keep what is best for the kids in the forefront of our minds. I'm sure we will face some hard decisions down the road. But that's Future Jay & Sarah's problem so I won't dwell on it now.

It's starting to get so close we can taste it!

Getting Close

We are close to the end of our days as Foster Parents. The reality of that hit home today when I realized there would be no more visits for the kids and their Birth Mom. That is until a Judge determines what visitation will look like if at all post adoption.

I'm not going to miss the stress of getting the kids extra cute, packed, and transported each week. Waiting on pins and needles to see if the visit is confirmed to happen and then if it actually does so we know where to pick the kids up that evening. Even though there was a lot of stress involved, I'll actually miss the interactions I have with their Birth Mom.

The worst part of the visits for me was the fear of losing the kids in that it was a show of interest on their birth Mom's part. This meant the case could turn and we could loose them. Now that she's no longer a risk I really just feel sorry for all that she's missing out on. She's only spent about 18 hours total with Little Dude his whole life and nearly all of that was while he was sleeping. Now that he's cruising around and charming us with his babble and dimples I can't help but think about how sad it is that she doesn't know him and him her.

I of course want that safety net that they are coming home with me if we have the visits. True all the things I mentioned might just cause her more pain if she does know what she's missing. It's just so bitter sweet I can't even explain how I feel. People have said this is because I'm compassionate. While I strive to be I would challenge anyone to not feel the same way when they see their birth Mom in obvious pain at missing her kids. It's easy to ignore what she has lost when she remains just a name. I am forever grateful to her for giving us the greatest gift and the family we have dreamed about.

I know without a doubt we are able to give the kids a life they never could have had with her but the very same thing can be said for what they give us. We didn't decide to adopt through Foster Care because we wanted to help the thousands of kids in the system but because above all we wanted a family and this was a way to do that. The perks of helping the kids out are a bonus but it's kind of like really wanting to go to an exclusive event hosted by charity. Yes you're giving money, time, whatever to be there but you can't get the same experience any other way. We just feel like we've been given so much more than we're giving the kids we'll be forever grateful.

What next? There will be another trial in about 1-2 months where their Father(s) could step forward and establish rights. That would mean an extended process but the chances of us not being able to adopt would still be slim. There could also be the random family member that steps forward and wants to adopt. We're praying there will be no curve balls or delays to the process. We can't wait to share their beautiful faces and names with everyone! Thanks again for your support.

Making Stides

Tomorrow will mark 8 months since we were united as a family. Looking back I'm reminded of how far we've come in the short amount of time. I clearly remember even back to just September wondering if Jay and I would ever get to go to bed at the same time again. I really missed the time we had to just lay there and talk about our day and unwind. Now we're not only going to bed together but we're both sleeping through the night without interruption on a pretty regular basis (knock on wood).

I also remember we'd make nearly daily trips to Target for baby items we needed. Slowly building our collection to the overflowing proportions it has reached today. We were completely at the mercy of donations from others because we couldn't manage getting out of the house with the two new kids and we just plain didn't know what we needed. At times we had to get creative but it all came together just as it was needed, we were provided for in without a doubt divine ways. My goal is to now pass that on to others.

The last 8 months have been some of the most wonderful and challenging in our lives. We're currently in the most turbulent phase of the adoption process and that weighs on our minds daily. The possibility of the kids leaving us is always in the back of my mind yet at the same time I have a feeling of peace that we'll be together forever. I try to focus on the later of the feelings and honestly the kids keep us so busy it doesn't leave much time for thinking. The joy and challenges kids bring almost forces us to live in the moment and sometime just wishing the moment or phase will pass. Either way all of us will be forever changed because of our time together.

Today we're obsessed with trying to get Little Miss to use words and working with Little Dude to take those first movements of crawling. We are looking forward to the outright refusal of eating any dinner and the crying as she  goes to bed each night passing with Little Miss. We're nervously experimenting with finger food for Little Dude, worried he'll choke. These are the things that fill our day now. I know I'll look back at this in just a few more months and think "I remember that phase, I thought it would never end!".

We're focusing on the today, right now, this moment as the next court date lies just around the corner on 4/10/12. That date will show us if things will quickly move towards finalizing adoption, if the process will be drawn out, or if we're thrown the dreaded curve ball. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we're needing (and feeling) them more than ever.

Just a quick post tonight about the kids and some random thoughts. I felt and barely saw D's first little tooth on the bottom make an appearance tonight. I've been waiting for this day and now that it's here  I have to admit I'm sad we'll be loosing those gums gnawing on our fingers and that sweet toothless grin. We've chosen names for each of the kids if we're able to adopt. For him it starts with a D and her's starts with Z. We won't share until it's official since 1) it's not appropriate to call them  the new names unless we adopt 2) I feel like it jinx's us in a way.

The other random thought is something I was reminded of today from someone dear to me. I heard about the frustration of not being able to plan when you are trying for children. I remember this being a constant issue. Should we make this major purchase if we're planning to have kids, should we plan this trip if I could end up pregnant, do we buy a small car or a family car? It came up constantly and when we made the decision in favor of a future family it was often a constant reminder of how that was lacking.

This went on for 6 years and one of the most painful things that happened was the reminder of time from the kids around us. For instance we first started trying just before we found out my sister in law was pregnant with her first child. At first it was a race to see if we could do this together, then we thought we'll be just behind, then we hoped we'd time it right to be close to their second child. This of course went on and on and it would remind us of the passing of time. It was also hard with the pregnancy's of friends who were due close to when I would have been due with the child we lost.

Remembering this today made me realize the stress and thought process hasn't gone away. I still think daily about if we'll have the kids at X milestone and should we invest  in something as simple as 6 months of classes at Little Gym because we don't know that they will be with us then. I don't have advice on how to over come this but I would say it helps to just do what you want, don't put your life on hold. The worst that can happen is you're proven wrong and that's what you want to happen anyway right? Postponing that big trip because you did end up expecting or the joy of actually being able to go as the constellation prize.

The thing I'm looking forward to this year is by the end of it we'll know for sure if the kids will be with us always or not. 7 is my lucky number and I guess that's how long it's going to take for us to answer the question of what our family will look like. I can't wait to see the answer.

Feelings of Worry

On the tail of what was my best Christmas yet I have worry flooding my mind. It’s back to reality now that we’re at a Birth Mom visit day. These always rattle me to a point but one so closely following such a special week with the kids hit especially hard.

We had an awesome month of uninterrupted family time where I didn’t hold back my heart or mental plans for traditions for years to come. This is extremely dangerous. I couldn’t help but think about the “what if” of opening up our box of ornaments next year only to find the kids special ornaments from this year when there’s a chance they might not be with us. Will roles be reversed and I’ll be the one emailing their Birth Mom telling her how we miss the kids terribly and hope they are having a wonderful day? The thought just crushes me.

The process of coming closer to adoption is feeling painfully slow. We had hoped for some action in early December but that has yet to happen and I don’t hold out hope for an update anytime soon. The kids have now been away from their Birth Mom for just over 7 months. For everyone’s sake I desperately want  some permanency, to know where they will be for the long haul so that we can all get on with long term life plans.

I knew getting into this it was going to be a long road and I’m at one of those dips where I’m feeling scared and down. It’s because of the two other friends we knew following this process or similar have both parted ways with the kids. One by choice and the other not. I just can’t help but wonder if that is our fate as well.

Living with daily fear of losing what is most precious to me is starting to take its toll. All I can do is keep trudging through and praying for the right outcome, whatever that is. And more importantly that everyone involved will feel at peace with what that outcome is because no matter what someone is losing what they hold dear.

Sleep Training and other stuff

I just have to take a moment to remind myself that when things seem impossible, you have to give the kids credit...they are smarter and more adaptable than you think. A week ago at this moment we began sleep training and we were already 40 minutes into the Little Dude crying it out and had about 10-15 minutes more to go. Each night got easier and he was actually sleeping through the night. Tonight I sit here better rested than I've been since before the end of June when they arrived. He also went down without a peep tonight. I sang him Blackbird and then laid him down in his crib awake, said good night and I was out. Two weeks ago I only dream of being here at some point.

They have proven time and time again they can flex and will fight change but bend quickly in the direction we're moving. It's harder on us as parents than for them. They are both amazingly resilient.

We are still on track with the legal plan of moving another step towards adoption in December. Even if everything stays on schedule and works perfectly we would not be able to finalize adoption until March at the earliest. I'm not betting on things working perfectly. Social Workers are busy, papers can get lost, people can make last ditch efforts. We just won't know how it's going to go until we're there but have been warned this is the most frustrating phase. We'll continue praying for patience and hope.

The kids have had a chance to visit with their Birth Mom the last several weeks which has been a change. We are glad they have had time with her. I also had the rare opportunity last week to spend 10-15 minutes alone with her. It gave us time to talk and I stressed the importance of her being in their lives to us and that we will do anything we can to support those visits. Both now and the rest of their lives if we're blessed to have them stay with us. I was also able to learn some background about her life that I'll be able to share with the kids if we loose contact with her. It's very important for Jay and I to have a relationship of mutual trust and respect with her.

I've never before felt so much like a missionary for ourselves. I have very brief interactions with her and each moment is treated like it could be the last. Each word is carefully chosen to both share all we can about us and protect us at the same time. Our deepest hope would be for us to have an on going relationship with her and for her to see at this moment we're able to better provide for the kids. This continues to be a roller coaster and challenges us to open our hearts in ways we never imagined. It's a ride we want to stay on.