Sort Of Nesting

Not too much news to share, just still trying to wrap up a few loose ends before we read our home study. While we’re waiting I’m going through a nesting phase. Many women I know have collected things for their future children before they even start trying for them. I’ve never been one of those women. It’s a touchy subject for me on so many levels. I did allow myself to buy a “my first teddy bear” for the cycle I ended up getting pregnant from. I carried that with me to the transfer, held it when I meditated thinking good thoughts about the egg implanting, and to each ultrasound. When that ended in miscarriage, it was devastating. I can’t bear to throw it away yet I have it hidden in a box because it stings to look at it. What do you do with something like that and why would I want to take one more things if another hopeful child falls through? This is the very reason I have not allowed myself to buy or make anything else.

When our social worker told us we needed to have a crib on hand, I had a really hard time with it. I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable it made me feel to not only shop for one but to actually bring it into my house. My plan was to keep it in the garage and not think about it. Yeah right…

Once I had the crib and dresser in the house it was easier than I thought. It made it real, this IS happening. It opened a floodgate of sorts for the need to nest. The frustration with this is unlike expectant mothers who may want to keep the gender a surprise is that there is little I can count on. There is plenty you can buy that is gender neutral for 6 months and under. The problem is I don’t know what age or genders I’ll have. I just have this longing to ready a room but I don’t know with what.

My splurge last week and only new thing I’ve purchased was a comfy rocking/swivel chair and ottoman. I don’t know if it will be for late night feedings, story time, or both. Either way I know it will be a special place for family bonding. For now this brings me comfort and really look forward to the time we’ll spend in it. I’m sure I’ll also keep searching for more things all while not knowing what I’m looking for. The one thing I can count on is the end of each day brings me that much closer until we meet our kid(s) and all these unknowns are answered.