New doors

It's been an eventful week on an emotional level. I'm not a stranger to grief and grief for the sudden loss of a parent is one that hits a little too close to home. I think of my Dad constantly and I think of little things I wish he was around to see or for me to tell him about all the time. Those are the times that the loss hits you. This has now started to happen with the kids birth Mom. In addition to the things I think about telling her I think about things the kids will want to tell her and won't really be able to do outside of a prayer.

Along with the news of her passing we were given contact information for her mother. They had not been in contact for several years at the time of her passing so getting this info was a surprise. One door closes, another opens...so cliche but so true.

I struggled with what to do with this information for a few days because while I saw it as a way to possibly get answers to some of the questions I know my kids will have it was a potential threat to our family. They have no legal rights as we're finalized with adoption but it still felt/feels like a threat. That's one of the biggest struggles of open adoption. The internal fight to opening your heart and family unit to other people. It takes getting over your own feelings of how you might be judged by others and your children to let other people in to love them.

I knew deep down from the moment I got the info I'd contact her, it was just a matter of when and what to say. It would have to be by email for so many reasons, it would have to express our sympathy for her loss, we need to prove we're decent people, show her the kids are well cared for, and most important for us it needed to outline our boundaries while clearly showing we have no intention of allowing any disruption to our family unit to occur. I also wanted to include a gift. A message of hope for the future of her grandchildren and the final heart wrenching words we received from her daughter not long before she died. Words that spoke of her peace of mind with us and the dire situation she was in. Even though they were hard words to read they are the final words from her child.

We waited 4 days to hear back from her but received emails from other family members within 24 hours. I knew she had read it and forwarded our email address. This has opened many new doors which are exciting, loving, strange, scary, and just plain painful. Each family has their own flavor of  "crazy" and when it's your own you might recognize it as crazy but you know it's boundary and you understand the good along with the bad. I'm an outsider and it's scary seeing this mix of good and bad. After all my kids were removed for a reason so to think other than their birth mother, there is a family just like mine or that of my friends is unreasonable. If there was, why didn't they take the kids in?

I'm learning those answers now and doing constant checks on our safety and limits. I'm SO thankful we have finalized and I'm in control. I can't imagine the State ordering me to leave my kids for a few hours with strangers for visitation. Three or four months ago we would have had to comply. Now we're in charge and there's no book on how to do this. We're making it up as we go along and using our hearts and God as our guide.

I used to say my worst fear was getting a call telling us the kids birth Mom had another baby and would we be open to taking it. Since she was only 22 when my son was born, the chances of this happening were not far fetched. I'd find it nearly impossible to say no without heavy guilt. Things for the first year just seemed SO hard because having two kids under 2 IS so hard. I couldn't imagine taking on another at the time.

Today I learned that is not the worst kind of unexpected contact you can get. We learned the kids birth Mom passed away yesterday. It took the breath out of my lungs and had me collapse after reading the first line. I couldn't get my mouth to stop saying "No, no, no". I cried for my kids and all the questions they will never have answered. I cried for her and the tragic end to a life filled with so much pain and hurt. I cried for the hope I had in a relationship in the future which now will never happen.

I received an email from her on the 17th of January. I knew at the time she was in a dark place but there were things happening which called for some change to occur and I of course had hope that change would come in a positive direction. I knew due to her circumstances it might be a great while before we had contact again. I didn't see the email until a week after it was sent since I only check that account sporadically. I replied right away begging for information about her so we could talk to the kids about her likes and dislikes as a way to have a connection with her even if only through conversation. I never got a response and it's devastating to know I never will.

This has closed one door and opened another which we've yet to begin to explore and I'm not sure when we will. More on that when we're ready for it. Grief for someone you've had such a complicated relationship with is a very strange thing. I'm also grieving for my kids loss. Some might say this was expected and even though when I look at all the facts I could say "sure that is not a stretch" it's crushing to have the flame of hope you held for someone extinguished.

So many confusing thoughts, unanswered questions, and sadness. Yes I'm glad my kids were spared so much pain they could have seen if not living with us. The last email I received from her opened with this - "I am so very glad that my babies are in the best hands and having fun and a totally completely opposite life then I did as a child.". At the end of it she thanked me for taking care of her babies and I only hope she could feel how truly thankful we are for her.

May she rest in peace and finally be the mother she hoped to be by watching over the kids.

The Holidays - An Unexpected Tradition

Holidays with kids is something truly special. Seeing the world through their eyes no matter what you have chosen as your traditions brings back the magic feeling you had as a child yourself. It's a time to reflect, be generous, celebrate with family, and have hope for what you may accomplish in the new year. As someone who dealt with infertility, this time of year was the hardest next to Mothers Day. Kids are everywhere...commercials, TV specials, sales at the store, Facebook posts with Santa, and even if you avoid all of that you have the cheerful smiles of families arriving to your mailbox reminding you another year has gone by.

You'd think now that we have children these worries and stress would have gone away. It has for the most part but it's morphed into something similar to guilt. It's the only time of the year the kids birth Mom contacts us and her words spell out the anguish she's in over not having them with her. It makes me wonder what she's doing constantly since I know she's thinking about the kids. It has me wishing we had contact with her to help ease that pain somewhat but also has me scared to do so because I know that longing for the kids is the strongest right now and I'm too worried about what contact like that could result in.

Last year and this year we're lucky in the fact this is a burden on only us the adults. Next year I might have questions from my sweet little girl about what her other Mom is doing and why she can't be there with us. It has sparked an inner competition in me to make the Holidays so incredible for the kids they couldn't possibly want for more. In a way that feeling is always there because it's the only way you feel you can control sparing your child pain over wondering about their birth parents. I know it's not possible or even healthy to think that way but it's the honest raw reality of what I think a lot of adoptive parents feel.

One of the things that weighs on my mind is a conversation I had with their birth Mom the only time I spent alone with her. It was last year in early December so Christmas was on my mind. I asked her if there were any traditions that were important to her so we could help give that to the kids. She told me no, she had no traditions and that she didn't have much of a family. That broke my heart and now I know why she must have the hardest time now because perhaps she hoped these kids would finally be a family of her own. I didn't have the thought at the time to push her a little more and ask if there were any traditions she hoped to have with kids but it's something I wonder about all the time.

I felt much of the same last year as I do this year...almost stolen moments of joy since I know someone else is longing to be doing this with the kids right now. Last year I had the added worry of it being our only Christmas with the kids because things were up in the air about if we'd finalize. I hope each year I'll feel less and less conflicted. I wanted to document this so I can look back and hopefully see how this tradition of guilt has faded to only joy and peace for us all.

A Family of Our Own

This morning a friend gave me the gift of a poem he wrote about our adoption story. It's so beautiful I just had to share. Thank you Jamie!

A Family of Our Own

Seems distant now-

That it would be just us.

Yet we settled into that mind.

There were flashes of hope.

Just flashes.

And wanting-

Then a moment.

A moment of Grandeur,

One call-

One gift-

Four souls transcended.

A welcoming of growing,

The extension of a home.

A love we never thought we’d know…

And a family of our own.

                                                                                                                          Jamie Burgasser

Adoption Day

I sit here with a cup of coffee in the quiet house before kids are awake. It's a big day at our house but in another sense it's not. The kids are too young to understand the importance of today. They won't understand why we're at a court house and will probably just be squirmy and cranky. Today marks the end of our time in "the system". It means we no longer have to fill out incident reports and send them out in triplicate every time the kids get a mark on them. We don't have to attend all the various social worker meetings every month. And finally what I'm most excited about is we can share photos of our kids online.

One might think this is the happiest day of our lives but it really doesn't hold a lot of meaning to me. The day I'll remember and celebrate is the day we met and were given the awesome responsibility of being parents to these incredible children. Walking in the door to the previous Foster Mom's house and seeing this sweet little girl with a head full of glossy dark curls and a binky in her mouth is what is etched into my mind as my happiest day. I recall studying her while trying not to scare her, drinking in every detail. I remember the tears of joy I cried in this woman's living room as she placed a tiny bundle into my arms. The gravity of responsibility that started to settle in as I realized we'd be leaving this house with these two little beings and we were now responsible. Driving away with them both tucked into their car seats was surreal. That my friends was the best day of my life.

The fear of loosing the kids is not entirely gone. There's no legal risk of them being taken away and I haven't worried over that since August. Now it's my fears of their birth parents finding them that comes into play. Before their rights were terminated we had the state to hide behind with no contact. Now the contact is our choice. They have no vested interest in trying to play by the rules because there's no chance for them to get their kids back. I do want them to have contact with the kids but I don't know what that looks like or when we'll be ready. There is no instruction book on this so we have to go with what we feel is best. I think we'll take a little time off on thinking about that for now.

It's been a year and a half since that wonderful day we were united as a family. It's going to be strange to hear us pronounced as their parents because we feel as if we always have been. Hearing Zoe proudly and possessively announce to people "My Mommy" and "My Daddy" is one of the best things in the world. I hope she tells the Judge that today because there's nothing he could say that we all haven't known in our hearts for quite some time. There is no finish line in parenting, we're just moving on to the next phase with open arms and thankfulness in our hearts.

Updated: today held more meaning than I knew. It caught us both off guard and we nearly started crying in court. It was emotional in the best kind of way...all in all a perfect day.

The home stretch

Today we completed one of the final steps of the process for adoption, the negotiation of adoption support. I've included a link for those curious in details on the program for my state. You start by filling out an application detailing your income, expenses, and the special needs of your children. Special needs means a lot of things. For instance if you are adopting and your financial situation prohibits you from providing for the child they would help you out as it's in the best interest of the child and much cheaper in the long run for the state to have them in a stable home instead of a perpetual foster child.

I awaited the call from the state to negotiate with some nerves because negotiation is usually work. We started off the conversation with the woman telling me a story about how her husband was a infant model for the company I work for. She was friendly and upbeat. She then gave me two options which were both more than we expected. She explained the only reason my kids were eligible was due to their ethnicity. It was unexpected but a nice surprise and will allow us to better provide for our kids.

It was so easy...which is shocking. Nothing thus far in this process could really be considered easy. And then we're told we'll be placed in the very next court hearing we can. In fact we'd be finalizing in less than a week if we were not taking a vacation.

This whole process has been high hoop after hoop. It's pretty shocking for something to come easy and even better, that soon there will only be the normal hoops of parenting. These are by no means "easy" but the relief of being out from under the microscope is HUGE!

Our next post will be a photo of us at court all sporting some big smiles...no faces covered!

Thank you each and everyone of you who have prayed and supported us to get us this far. Your love and support even if we don't know you has been felt!

The Final Steps

Today at our monthly social worker meeting we were presented with the kids full file. This happens when they are legally free (so we've been waiting for it since July). It gives us all the information the department has on the kids. This includes the social workers notes from each monthly visit, supervisors reports of visitation, and all the info they have on the birth parents. The stack of paper work is no less than 8" thick. I can't even imagine where we're going to store all this along with all the paperwork we already have.

I of course can't and don't wish to share any of the information it contains but I want to hurry and finish this post to get back to reading it. The process is such that we have to sign a release stating we have read all available information on the case before we proceed with negotiations for Adoption Support from the state. The information in the files could give us insight into something we might need support with. Once the support is negotiated, which we think will be done in the next two weeks, we submit all the paper work with our lawyer and get a court date to finalize.

November is National Adoption Month and there is a HUGE mass adoption that will be happening in our county the week we'll be in Hawaii. Our lawyer is really busy getting everything in order for other families to make that date so we're holding off since we can't be part of it anyway. It's looking like we'll be going to court in December if we get a court date then.

We're a bit of a unique situation when it comes to the paperwork. Many kids have been bounced around to several homes or have several reports from CPS before the kids were removed from their home that remain classified. For us, we've had the kids since my son was released from the hospital so we know just about everything in the paper work. It is pretty interesting reading Social Worker notes about us and detailed reports of what happened at the few visits the kids had.

Part of the plan for their birth Mom to get the kids back was her requirement to have a full evaluation with a psychologist. It is a comprehensive 16 page report of her responses and observations by the person who conducted it. I devoured each page, eager to learn anything I could about her and her thoughts on the whole situation. I'm sure I'll read it many times over. It struck me that the feelings of devouring each word and mental images of physical appearance and body language it caused me to be thinking about would only be heightened for both kids. In a sense it's the closest they may ever get to their birth mother. It's incredibly sad thinking about that. I can't imagine my only connection to my birth parents being though words on paper and the one photo we have.

All of this is sinking in and I want to do all I can to ease the emotional battle my kids are sure to face. It's yet another thing I wish I could spare them. I plan to talk about their Birth Mom often so she will not be a mystery. Answer any question I can. Most importantly, honor her in the role she plays in all of our lives. No matter what reports say and the negative picture some of them may portray, She is part of them and they are part of her. Therefore we all love their Birth Mom, just in a very different way than most.