Just a quick post tonight about the kids and some random thoughts. I felt and barely saw D's first little tooth on the bottom make an appearance tonight. I've been waiting for this day and now that it's here I have to admit I'm sad we'll be loosing those gums gnawing on our fingers and that sweet toothless grin. We've chosen names for each of the kids if we're able to adopt. For him it starts with a D and her's starts with Z. We won't share until it's official since 1) it's not appropriate to call them the new names unless we adopt 2) I feel like it jinx's us in a way.
The other random thought is something I was reminded of today from someone dear to me. I heard about the frustration of not being able to plan when you are trying for children. I remember this being a constant issue. Should we make this major purchase if we're planning to have kids, should we plan this trip if I could end up pregnant, do we buy a small car or a family car? It came up constantly and when we made the decision in favor of a future family it was often a constant reminder of how that was lacking.
This went on for 6 years and one of the most painful things that happened was the reminder of time from the kids around us. For instance we first started trying just before we found out my sister in law was pregnant with her first child. At first it was a race to see if we could do this together, then we thought we'll be just behind, then we hoped we'd time it right to be close to their second child. This of course went on and on and it would remind us of the passing of time. It was also hard with the pregnancy's of friends who were due close to when I would have been due with the child we lost.
Remembering this today made me realize the stress and thought process hasn't gone away. I still think daily about if we'll have the kids at X milestone and should we invest in something as simple as 6 months of classes at Little Gym because we don't know that they will be with us then. I don't have advice on how to over come this but I would say it helps to just do what you want, don't put your life on hold. The worst that can happen is you're proven wrong and that's what you want to happen anyway right? Postponing that big trip because you did end up expecting or the joy of actually being able to go as the constellation prize.
The thing I'm looking forward to this year is by the end of it we'll know for sure if the kids will be with us always or not. 7 is my lucky number and I guess that's how long it's going to take for us to answer the question of what our family will look like. I can't wait to see the answer.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Feelings of Worry
On the tail of what was my best Christmas yet I have worry flooding
my mind. It’s back to reality now that we’re at a Birth Mom visit day. These
always rattle me to a point but one so closely following such a special week
with the kids hit especially hard.
We had an awesome month of uninterrupted family time where I
didn’t hold back my heart or mental plans for traditions for years to come.
This is extremely dangerous. I couldn’t help but think about the “what if” of
opening up our box of ornaments next year only to find the kids special
ornaments from this year when there’s a chance they might not be with us. Will
roles be reversed and I’ll be the one emailing their Birth Mom telling her how
we miss the kids terribly and hope they are having a wonderful day? The thought
just crushes me.
The process of coming closer to adoption is feeling painfully
slow. We had hoped for some action in early December but that has yet to happen
and I don’t hold out hope for an update anytime soon. The kids have now been
away from their Birth Mom for just over 7 months. For everyone’s sake I desperately
want some permanency, to know where they
will be for the long haul so that we can all get on with long term life plans.
I knew getting into this it was going to be a long road and
I’m at one of those dips where I’m feeling scared and down. It’s because of the
two other friends we knew following this process or similar have both parted
ways with the kids. One by choice and the other not. I just can’t help but
wonder if that is our fate as well.
Living with daily fear of losing what is most precious to me
is starting to take its toll. All I can do is keep trudging through and praying
for the right outcome, whatever that is. And more importantly that everyone
involved will feel at peace with what that outcome is because no matter what
someone is losing what they hold dear.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sleep Training and other stuff
I just have to take a moment to remind myself that when things seem impossible, you have to give the kids credit...they are smarter and more adaptable than you think. A week ago at this moment we began sleep training and we were already 40 minutes into the Little Dude crying it out and had about 10-15 minutes more to go. Each night got easier and he was actually sleeping through the night. Tonight I sit here better rested than I've been since before the end of June when they arrived. He also went down without a peep tonight. I sang him Blackbird and then laid him down in his crib awake, said good night and I was out. Two weeks ago I only dream of being here at some point.
They have proven time and time again they can flex and will fight change but bend quickly in the direction we're moving. It's harder on us as parents than for them. They are both amazingly resilient.
We are still on track with the legal plan of moving another step towards adoption in December. Even if everything stays on schedule and works perfectly we would not be able to finalize adoption until March at the earliest. I'm not betting on things working perfectly. Social Workers are busy, papers can get lost, people can make last ditch efforts. We just won't know how it's going to go until we're there but have been warned this is the most frustrating phase. We'll continue praying for patience and hope.
The kids have had a chance to visit with their Birth Mom the last several weeks which has been a change. We are glad they have had time with her. I also had the rare opportunity last week to spend 10-15 minutes alone with her. It gave us time to talk and I stressed the importance of her being in their lives to us and that we will do anything we can to support those visits. Both now and the rest of their lives if we're blessed to have them stay with us. I was also able to learn some background about her life that I'll be able to share with the kids if we loose contact with her. It's very important for Jay and I to have a relationship of mutual trust and respect with her.
I've never before felt so much like a missionary for ourselves. I have very brief interactions with her and each moment is treated like it could be the last. Each word is carefully chosen to both share all we can about us and protect us at the same time. Our deepest hope would be for us to have an on going relationship with her and for her to see at this moment we're able to better provide for the kids. This continues to be a roller coaster and challenges us to open our hearts in ways we never imagined. It's a ride we want to stay on.
They have proven time and time again they can flex and will fight change but bend quickly in the direction we're moving. It's harder on us as parents than for them. They are both amazingly resilient.
We are still on track with the legal plan of moving another step towards adoption in December. Even if everything stays on schedule and works perfectly we would not be able to finalize adoption until March at the earliest. I'm not betting on things working perfectly. Social Workers are busy, papers can get lost, people can make last ditch efforts. We just won't know how it's going to go until we're there but have been warned this is the most frustrating phase. We'll continue praying for patience and hope.
The kids have had a chance to visit with their Birth Mom the last several weeks which has been a change. We are glad they have had time with her. I also had the rare opportunity last week to spend 10-15 minutes alone with her. It gave us time to talk and I stressed the importance of her being in their lives to us and that we will do anything we can to support those visits. Both now and the rest of their lives if we're blessed to have them stay with us. I was also able to learn some background about her life that I'll be able to share with the kids if we loose contact with her. It's very important for Jay and I to have a relationship of mutual trust and respect with her.
I've never before felt so much like a missionary for ourselves. I have very brief interactions with her and each moment is treated like it could be the last. Each word is carefully chosen to both share all we can about us and protect us at the same time. Our deepest hope would be for us to have an on going relationship with her and for her to see at this moment we're able to better provide for the kids. This continues to be a roller coaster and challenges us to open our hearts in ways we never imagined. It's a ride we want to stay on.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
4 Month Marker
Today is special because it marks four months since we became a family. It's flown by and looking back has me realize how far each of us has come since we met.
We now have a walker and both kids eating solids. Jay and I are skilled at diaper changing and dressing the child who doesn't see a need for clothes. Both kids smile when they see us and take comfort in our arms when they are upset. The kids know each other and now smile and laugh together. Development for each of us as people has grown considerably with many important lessons learned along the way.
Some lessons I've learned myself worth sharing are a bit taboo to talk about. Before we decided to chose adoption as a way to build our family I had worries about missing out on the birth experience. I wondered how much missing the bonding while being pregnant and the miracle of birth would impact the relationship between parent and child as well as husband and wife. I don't doubt these are the most joyous moments in life but I can tell you with 100% conviction the fact that I missed them for both these kids doesn't matter in the least. It's not possible for me to love them more. If anything we feel like we are really lucky to be experiencing an infant and a toddler at the same time. How many other people get the joy of a 1st holiday season with one child tiny enough to fit into all the cute baby things and another who is old enough to point excitedly at each new thing? It truly is the best of both worlds.
The other question I had was could I love a child that is not my own? I wondered this because I love the hell out of my nieces and nephews but there's a distinct difference in types of love. Each time I babysat I'd wonder if my relationship with a new child placed with me would be the same. I can tell you from day one it was different. Do I love them the same today as four months ago? To be honest no, it's deepened to a whole other level. But I can tell you that I felt a parental love for them from day one. It's almost impossible not to since you're responsible for them. I mean not just "keep them alive" responsible but "nurture and help them thrive" responsible. This isn't to say there haven't been moments when we don't particularly like each other but really who doesn't have that. At the end of the day we know that we all love each other and our efforts are focused towards doing what is right for the kids in this moment.
We now have a walker and both kids eating solids. Jay and I are skilled at diaper changing and dressing the child who doesn't see a need for clothes. Both kids smile when they see us and take comfort in our arms when they are upset. The kids know each other and now smile and laugh together. Development for each of us as people has grown considerably with many important lessons learned along the way.
Some lessons I've learned myself worth sharing are a bit taboo to talk about. Before we decided to chose adoption as a way to build our family I had worries about missing out on the birth experience. I wondered how much missing the bonding while being pregnant and the miracle of birth would impact the relationship between parent and child as well as husband and wife. I don't doubt these are the most joyous moments in life but I can tell you with 100% conviction the fact that I missed them for both these kids doesn't matter in the least. It's not possible for me to love them more. If anything we feel like we are really lucky to be experiencing an infant and a toddler at the same time. How many other people get the joy of a 1st holiday season with one child tiny enough to fit into all the cute baby things and another who is old enough to point excitedly at each new thing? It truly is the best of both worlds.
The other question I had was could I love a child that is not my own? I wondered this because I love the hell out of my nieces and nephews but there's a distinct difference in types of love. Each time I babysat I'd wonder if my relationship with a new child placed with me would be the same. I can tell you from day one it was different. Do I love them the same today as four months ago? To be honest no, it's deepened to a whole other level. But I can tell you that I felt a parental love for them from day one. It's almost impossible not to since you're responsible for them. I mean not just "keep them alive" responsible but "nurture and help them thrive" responsible. This isn't to say there haven't been moments when we don't particularly like each other but really who doesn't have that. At the end of the day we know that we all love each other and our efforts are focused towards doing what is right for the kids in this moment.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Fun Stuff
Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, smell of the air, a usually welcome change of weather, the resurgence of soups and all things pumpkin. It used to mean I'd start spending hours of time in my craft room getting reacquainted with my crafting supplies. This year I'm looking forward to trick or treating, dressing the kids up in costume, carving pumpkins, and eating Thanksgiving as a family for the first time. For the last 6 years the Holidays have been an especially difficult time for me because so many traditions focus around kids. I'm all the more grateful having the kids in our life as we start what I hope to be family traditions for years to come.
The kids are thriving and changing so much right before our eyes. Little Miss has begun pointing out balloons, pumpkins, and planes everyday. Dre has decided his favorite position is standing (with help) and loves to sit at the table and watch us eat at meal time. They are beginning to interact with each other which is really fun to see. I saw Dre laugh after Little Miss made a face at him for the first time today. It's so exciting to watch them build their sibling bond.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
50/50
Today was one of the first big milestones in progress toward adoption. There was a hearing to check on the progress of the case. I of course can't share details on this but I can share some of the outcome.
I had thought of a race as an analogy to explain where we are in the process. I shared it with Jay and he made a really good point that if I used a race it might make this appear to be a competition. That is the last thing I want to do. Decisions which will greatly impact the course of all of our lives are at play. If we are able to adopt it means someones dreams of being a mother to these precious kids has ended and the same is true on reverse. Well, maybe. More on that later.
When we took the kids in the primary goal of the state was to place the kids back with their birth mom and adoption as the back up plan. We were given some information that led us to believe the chances of being reunified with their birth mom were not the greatest. Today they had a 4 month evaluation of the case and deemed the plan has changed to concurrent for reunification and adoption. This means the legal chances are officially 50/50 for which way this case could go. There will be another court date in December to evaluate the progress once again. If things remain as they are today we have been told they will motion to switch to a primary plan of adoption (opposite of the plan when we took the kids in). If this happens it kicks off the process to terminate parental rights. We were told not to expect this to happen for around a year so this has really sped up the timeline we had in mind...which is a GOOD thing.
There are a lot of ways this could go. Progress could be made by their birth mom and the plan is switched back to the way it was at the start and flip back and forth for up to 13 months until the kids are given a permanent home with one of us.
The other option would be for their birth mom to relinquish her parental rights voluntarily. We've personally told her and passed on the message through the kids social worker that it's our honest desire to have her in the kids lives in some shape or form. The benefit to her in choosing this option is that she will get to negotiate with us on an open adoption plan. It would also give her a chance to be a parental figure in their lives even if she has lost her rights.
Things are still very fluid. Everyday I: worry about loosing them, thank God for the time with them, pray for their birth mom, and most importantly...wish these kids heath and happiness for the rest of their lives. They are an absolute joy. Most new moms wonder what their kids will look like, be like, do when they get older. I wonder all of those things too but just pray I'll be able to see it.
I had thought of a race as an analogy to explain where we are in the process. I shared it with Jay and he made a really good point that if I used a race it might make this appear to be a competition. That is the last thing I want to do. Decisions which will greatly impact the course of all of our lives are at play. If we are able to adopt it means someones dreams of being a mother to these precious kids has ended and the same is true on reverse. Well, maybe. More on that later.
When we took the kids in the primary goal of the state was to place the kids back with their birth mom and adoption as the back up plan. We were given some information that led us to believe the chances of being reunified with their birth mom were not the greatest. Today they had a 4 month evaluation of the case and deemed the plan has changed to concurrent for reunification and adoption. This means the legal chances are officially 50/50 for which way this case could go. There will be another court date in December to evaluate the progress once again. If things remain as they are today we have been told they will motion to switch to a primary plan of adoption (opposite of the plan when we took the kids in). If this happens it kicks off the process to terminate parental rights. We were told not to expect this to happen for around a year so this has really sped up the timeline we had in mind...which is a GOOD thing.
There are a lot of ways this could go. Progress could be made by their birth mom and the plan is switched back to the way it was at the start and flip back and forth for up to 13 months until the kids are given a permanent home with one of us.
The other option would be for their birth mom to relinquish her parental rights voluntarily. We've personally told her and passed on the message through the kids social worker that it's our honest desire to have her in the kids lives in some shape or form. The benefit to her in choosing this option is that she will get to negotiate with us on an open adoption plan. It would also give her a chance to be a parental figure in their lives even if she has lost her rights.
Things are still very fluid. Everyday I: worry about loosing them, thank God for the time with them, pray for their birth mom, and most importantly...wish these kids heath and happiness for the rest of their lives. They are an absolute joy. Most new moms wonder what their kids will look like, be like, do when they get older. I wonder all of those things too but just pray I'll be able to see it.
Monday, August 29, 2011
The end of an era
Here I am at the end of the day as I begin my last week at home with the kids before returning to work. It seems like yesterday that I cried for about an hour the night before staying home with both all by myself for a full day. Everyone told me that Little Dude would be a different baby by the time he hit three months. I just couldn't imagine how life would be different but I wanted that day to get here.
Since then Little Dude has calmed down considerably and changed in appearance a ton (well, about 8 pounds to be exact). He hasn't developed much of a routine nor is he sleeping through the night as I had hoped for. He's having quite a bit of awake time with lots of smiles now days.
Little Miss has begun walking! She hasn't gained even a pound and has regressed in speech while her comprehension of what you are saying has grown a TON. Thankfully she still sleeps like a champ for the most part.
While I know this is controversial, I will proudly say I'm ready to go back to work. Like many of my friends who are working Mom's I also believe working will make me a better Mom for my kids. I'm also excited for what my kids will get to learn and the friendships they will develop in Daycare. They are going to a small in home daycare that is just blocks from our house. It's really the best of both worlds for everyone.
I will miss having Little Dude sleeping on my chest in the afternoons. Visits to parks and the zoo mid week while things are quiet. And maybe most of all...afternoon nap time to get some chores done or one on one time with one kid or another.
I made a video today of the 5 minute meltdown Little Miss had today when she was so tired she couldn't do anything but lay there and cry. When I'm back at work it will be easy to go to all the happy memories of being home with the kids. In truth the happy time accounts for only about 30-40% of the day at this point. I need to remember that.
I'm excited and nervous about closing this chapter. I know life will get harder, for everyone. Just like our first adjustment it will take some getting used to but we'll get it in the end. Once we do the rewards we'll all reap from each parent getting to have some adult time along with the financial benefits that will grant the kids opportunities & experiences as a family will be worth it in the end. I'll be another Mom out there trying to have it all and I'm convinced after a little trial and error I will.
Since then Little Dude has calmed down considerably and changed in appearance a ton (well, about 8 pounds to be exact). He hasn't developed much of a routine nor is he sleeping through the night as I had hoped for. He's having quite a bit of awake time with lots of smiles now days.
Little Miss has begun walking! She hasn't gained even a pound and has regressed in speech while her comprehension of what you are saying has grown a TON. Thankfully she still sleeps like a champ for the most part.
While I know this is controversial, I will proudly say I'm ready to go back to work. Like many of my friends who are working Mom's I also believe working will make me a better Mom for my kids. I'm also excited for what my kids will get to learn and the friendships they will develop in Daycare. They are going to a small in home daycare that is just blocks from our house. It's really the best of both worlds for everyone.
I will miss having Little Dude sleeping on my chest in the afternoons. Visits to parks and the zoo mid week while things are quiet. And maybe most of all...afternoon nap time to get some chores done or one on one time with one kid or another.
I made a video today of the 5 minute meltdown Little Miss had today when she was so tired she couldn't do anything but lay there and cry. When I'm back at work it will be easy to go to all the happy memories of being home with the kids. In truth the happy time accounts for only about 30-40% of the day at this point. I need to remember that.
I'm excited and nervous about closing this chapter. I know life will get harder, for everyone. Just like our first adjustment it will take some getting used to but we'll get it in the end. Once we do the rewards we'll all reap from each parent getting to have some adult time along with the financial benefits that will grant the kids opportunities & experiences as a family will be worth it in the end. I'll be another Mom out there trying to have it all and I'm convinced after a little trial and error I will.
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