I've done it and survived 5 full days at home with the kids on my own. It's really not the days that I'm impressed with but that I've lived to remain sane after 5 full days of play and 5 nights of full duty which means no more than 2 hours in a row of sleep. I've come to terms with the fact that one child will almost always just have to be upset for a while until I'm able to tend to their needs. Their needs remain quite different but little Dre has improved to where he can tolerate some stimulus. This means we can have music on or even the TV and some lights...WOW!
Every hour and first we see draws us more tightly attached together. I've given up hope that I can keep a wall up to protect my heart in the case they go back to their Birth Mom. It's not fair to either of us for me to hold back any of my love and attention. We will keep living with the belief they will be here forever within reason. This allows us to live in the moment and enjoy what we have today. Each night I find myself saying a prayer praising God for the time we've had together and that it continues as long as He has planned.
We've spoken with their social worker on timeline for finalization and it will be at least a year before we can complete an adoption for either of them. This is if things remain going as is. If their Birth Mother suddenly makes great improvements or becomes disengaged for whatever reason the timeline could change to faster or slower. There's no telling but we've been told to expect to have them for at least a year even if this is a temporary home for them.
This week we've seen Dre have more awake time and found out he's gained two pounds since coming to live with us. His cheeks might need their own zip code soon. We've graduated from size 1 diapers and moved onto size 2!
Little Miss has started trying to walk even more. She had a few moments where she stood on her own with no hands! We've also made significant progress to stop the whining at meal time. She has her signs for "more" and "all done" down. We still hear some whining but she's learned she has to sign to get what she wants. She has also said her first word - Mama! She's quite proud of it. There are several others she is trying to say and many she knows and can point to but just not say yet.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Placement in a snap...
So much to catch up on! I wanted to share a little about how our placement happened and what life has been like since. It started back on 6/23 when we saw a referral for a 1 month old boy and his 11 month old sister needing placement before 7/4. We sent our agency a message saying we'd like to be considered. That weekend we went away to a family reunion knowing it would likely be our only chance to camp this summer. The possibility of the placement was in the back of our minds but we knew there would be a lot of people interested in such a young set of siblings.
We heard on Monday afternoon that another family had been selected to take in the kiddos. No big deal, we will be chosen when it's supposed to happen. Fast forward to 3:30 on Wednesday and I find out the previous family has fallen through and we're next in line. They want to know if we can pick up the 1 month old today...as in a few hours I'll be dealing with a newborn! I frantically called Jay to discuss and called the social worker back saying yes we can do that. As I was driving home to pick up the car seat I got a call saying to hold off and they will have us pick them both up on Thursday 6/30. Phew..but still! We had another crib and car seat to find right away. Thankfully we have amazing friends and family come to the rescue.
There is very little we can share about the kids but I can promise that we also know very little at this point. There is still a fairly high chance they could eventually be place back with their birth mother, father, or another family member who may come forward. We were told to expect a long road until finalization since the case is so new. No matter the outcome I know we are making a difference in these kids lives. Hour by hour I become attached and I hope it doesn't come to them having to leave but I will cherish the time we have now. I don't expect they would be going back anytime soon even if they do eventually.
I can't share photos that identify who they are and I'm not comfortable sharing names in a public forum such as this. What I can tell you is they are absolutely beautiful children. I've taken to calling the girl Little Miss and her eyes and eyelashes are to die for...she gives the Kardashians a run for their money. The Little Man is a head of dark silky hair and sweet baby cheeks.
We've been thrown headfirst into parenting and it's all we can do to survive. Little Miss is a sleeper going down without a fight (knock on wood) and only waking if she drops her paci. She doesn't walk yet or stand willingly which makes having both awake at the same time a challenge. The little guy is still a newborn who's having a rough start to life. He's on a 4 hour scheduled of eating, peeing/pooping, swaddling, consoling, and a little sleep if we're lucky. He also has what we've come to call his "witching hours" where he crys inconsolably from about 7:00 PM to 9:00 ish PM. My biggest struggle is the two have completely opposite needs when they become upset. She needs one on one play or snuggles that make her laugh. He needs total silence, no stimulus, and dim/dark lights. They tend to have meltdowns at the same time and when there's just one person here...it's ROUGH on everyone.
We knew going into this there would be no sleep and everything would become all about the kids. Still it doesn't really prepare you until you have it handed to you like a slap in the face. Although neither of us have slept for more than 2 hours in a row since we picked them up and we're completely exhausted there are plenty of high lights. Smiles when we go into wake her up, giggles from tickling, waves nighty night, sweet baby snuggles, soft baby head under your chin, those dreamy brown eyes looking back at you. Whenever I have just one of them to manage at a time I think to myself "I've totally got this, what was I worried about?". We're taking it day by day knowing it will get better and eternally grateful for all the help we have been given by soooo many people.
Time for my late night shift so I have to sign off :)
We heard on Monday afternoon that another family had been selected to take in the kiddos. No big deal, we will be chosen when it's supposed to happen. Fast forward to 3:30 on Wednesday and I find out the previous family has fallen through and we're next in line. They want to know if we can pick up the 1 month old today...as in a few hours I'll be dealing with a newborn! I frantically called Jay to discuss and called the social worker back saying yes we can do that. As I was driving home to pick up the car seat I got a call saying to hold off and they will have us pick them both up on Thursday 6/30. Phew..but still! We had another crib and car seat to find right away. Thankfully we have amazing friends and family come to the rescue.
There is very little we can share about the kids but I can promise that we also know very little at this point. There is still a fairly high chance they could eventually be place back with their birth mother, father, or another family member who may come forward. We were told to expect a long road until finalization since the case is so new. No matter the outcome I know we are making a difference in these kids lives. Hour by hour I become attached and I hope it doesn't come to them having to leave but I will cherish the time we have now. I don't expect they would be going back anytime soon even if they do eventually.
I can't share photos that identify who they are and I'm not comfortable sharing names in a public forum such as this. What I can tell you is they are absolutely beautiful children. I've taken to calling the girl Little Miss and her eyes and eyelashes are to die for...she gives the Kardashians a run for their money. The Little Man is a head of dark silky hair and sweet baby cheeks.
We've been thrown headfirst into parenting and it's all we can do to survive. Little Miss is a sleeper going down without a fight (knock on wood) and only waking if she drops her paci. She doesn't walk yet or stand willingly which makes having both awake at the same time a challenge. The little guy is still a newborn who's having a rough start to life. He's on a 4 hour scheduled of eating, peeing/pooping, swaddling, consoling, and a little sleep if we're lucky. He also has what we've come to call his "witching hours" where he crys inconsolably from about 7:00 PM to 9:00 ish PM. My biggest struggle is the two have completely opposite needs when they become upset. She needs one on one play or snuggles that make her laugh. He needs total silence, no stimulus, and dim/dark lights. They tend to have meltdowns at the same time and when there's just one person here...it's ROUGH on everyone.
We knew going into this there would be no sleep and everything would become all about the kids. Still it doesn't really prepare you until you have it handed to you like a slap in the face. Although neither of us have slept for more than 2 hours in a row since we picked them up and we're completely exhausted there are plenty of high lights. Smiles when we go into wake her up, giggles from tickling, waves nighty night, sweet baby snuggles, soft baby head under your chin, those dreamy brown eyes looking back at you. Whenever I have just one of them to manage at a time I think to myself "I've totally got this, what was I worried about?". We're taking it day by day knowing it will get better and eternally grateful for all the help we have been given by soooo many people.
Time for my late night shift so I have to sign off :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Just checkin' in...
No news on the kid front here but wanted to check in to say thank you to everyone who has continued to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Many people in our support group talk about being frustrated in the waiting process because it is a roller coaster, no doubt about that. I have to say we're doing alright because we're so busy.
Every weekend is a "babymoon" taking advantage of adult things. We're continuing to cautiously plan and each time we get to do something planned it feels like a bonus. At the moment I'm grateful for feeling content.
It's been very quiet and we haven't seen a referral come through for two weeks. For now we'll just keep enjoying the summer as planned. We have our jobs to thank for keeping our minds busy on other things :)
Every weekend is a "babymoon" taking advantage of adult things. We're continuing to cautiously plan and each time we get to do something planned it feels like a bonus. At the moment I'm grateful for feeling content.
It's been very quiet and we haven't seen a referral come through for two weeks. For now we'll just keep enjoying the summer as planned. We have our jobs to thank for keeping our minds busy on other things :)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
No News
Today we met our new social worker and the woman responsible for child search. The meeting went well and I feel confident in their abilities. We learned a few things such as we'll be provided with an end of month report on each referral we have been sent. It will have info on if we submitted our home study and what the outcome was if known. It will help show us and our social worker trends on what we are interested in and help identify things we had said were ok but maybe we've been passing when actually presented it. I love stats so I'm excited to be getting this.
The other thing I shared with them was we quickly learned how exciting and hard it can be to see the referrals and then wait. I've realized while I want well wishes and prayers, I won't be telling anyone when we submit our home study any longer. It's really hard on us to be asked by well meaning people about it...often several times a day. It makes it nearly impossible to distract ourselves and just wait it out. I also feel I'm almost letting people down when I have to report day after day "no update!". So please keep us in your thoughts and try to understand why we'll be quiet about this.
I'm sure I'll share from time to time how many we're seeing but from the sounds of it we could have several pending at any given time. Back in March there was a flood of referrals and they thought we would be placed quickly. It's reduced quite a bit in April and May but there's just no telling when we'll get picked. The when isn't so important, it really comes down to the right match.
For now I'm feeling much better by having some things in the house that were given to us by friends (THANK YOU!). It puts my mind at ease knowing I have more than just a crib since I know kids do more than sleep.
Thanks again for everyone's love and support through this process. We couldn't do it without you.
The other thing I shared with them was we quickly learned how exciting and hard it can be to see the referrals and then wait. I've realized while I want well wishes and prayers, I won't be telling anyone when we submit our home study any longer. It's really hard on us to be asked by well meaning people about it...often several times a day. It makes it nearly impossible to distract ourselves and just wait it out. I also feel I'm almost letting people down when I have to report day after day "no update!". So please keep us in your thoughts and try to understand why we'll be quiet about this.
I'm sure I'll share from time to time how many we're seeing but from the sounds of it we could have several pending at any given time. Back in March there was a flood of referrals and they thought we would be placed quickly. It's reduced quite a bit in April and May but there's just no telling when we'll get picked. The when isn't so important, it really comes down to the right match.
For now I'm feeling much better by having some things in the house that were given to us by friends (THANK YOU!). It puts my mind at ease knowing I have more than just a crib since I know kids do more than sleep.
Thanks again for everyone's love and support through this process. We couldn't do it without you.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Pins & Needles!
So things are a little more excitable now that we're active in the child search process than I expected. We've been told over and over to enjoy phase 1 because things are in our control as far as timing and phase two means a lot of waiting and not much going on. I expected to have the question of "when?" ever present in the back of my mind and maybe to get a little frustrated that it was taking so long with nothing else "to do".
Now that I've spent 4 days in this phase I have to say it's way more exciting than I expected. We've had two kids meeting our criteria (for the most part) presented to us. The first we passed on and the second, which was today, is something we're hopeful about. Our agency contacted us to let us know they submitted our homestudy which was a little surprising but I know they need to move quickly. We also had the option to pull out but it became real when I was sitting at work and read "Your home study HAS been submitted". I won't lie...it made my heart skip a beat.
My mind begins to race with the possibilities of this placement and wondering if this will be "the one". I'm just praying with all my being that we will only be selected if it is what is meant to be. I also have to wonder if I'll be feeling this way every week for months or even a year! That's the reality of what a lot of people go through. They submit their info and for whatever reason they might not be picked. I thought I knew excitement but this is giving me a new definition. I'm not sure my heart is cut out to go through this on a regular basis.
Now that I've spent 4 days in this phase I have to say it's way more exciting than I expected. We've had two kids meeting our criteria (for the most part) presented to us. The first we passed on and the second, which was today, is something we're hopeful about. Our agency contacted us to let us know they submitted our homestudy which was a little surprising but I know they need to move quickly. We also had the option to pull out but it became real when I was sitting at work and read "Your home study HAS been submitted". I won't lie...it made my heart skip a beat.
My mind begins to race with the possibilities of this placement and wondering if this will be "the one". I'm just praying with all my being that we will only be selected if it is what is meant to be. I also have to wonder if I'll be feeling this way every week for months or even a year! That's the reality of what a lot of people go through. They submit their info and for whatever reason they might not be picked. I thought I knew excitement but this is giving me a new definition. I'm not sure my heart is cut out to go through this on a regular basis.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Welcome to Phase 2!
Today we got our official letter welcoming us to "Phase 2" which means the child search is on. We expected to be here about 6-8 weeks ago but alas we are here now. There were some last minute complications with our heritage to clear up and a heavy workload for our social worker so things became delayed. All that was wrapped up on Friday afternoon and we're ready to roll.
Our license request has been shipped off to Snohomish County and we're being placed with a new social worker who can better handle us since she has a little more time. We won't meet her until next Wednesday but I can't lie...I'm a little nervous. We've been with Gretchen since last fall and really feel a strong connection with her. She knows everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about us. We'll give this new girl a shot and pray for the best.
Our agency has also recently changed the way they do matches. Now instead of each social worker looking at all the referrals finding that perfect match for their clients they have one person looking at them all. Before it would distract the workers and cause delays in their work, as we saw with ours. It seems pretty overwhelming to me to have just one person do this but I hear it's working much better. They took someone who really had a knack for matching and let her take it over full time. We'll be meeting with her next week too. I'm thinking about bringing her cookies or something ;)
I'd say after next week it really could be any day but if I had to guess I'd say I don't think we'll have a placement for at least a few more months. We will still be the only family they are working with in Snohomish County which places us at the top of the list for most of the referrals out of Everett. I really don't care how long it takes as long as the right match is made...in the end that is what matters. Even so I'm sure I'll get impatient which is when I'll re-read this.
Our license request has been shipped off to Snohomish County and we're being placed with a new social worker who can better handle us since she has a little more time. We won't meet her until next Wednesday but I can't lie...I'm a little nervous. We've been with Gretchen since last fall and really feel a strong connection with her. She knows everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about us. We'll give this new girl a shot and pray for the best.
Our agency has also recently changed the way they do matches. Now instead of each social worker looking at all the referrals finding that perfect match for their clients they have one person looking at them all. Before it would distract the workers and cause delays in their work, as we saw with ours. It seems pretty overwhelming to me to have just one person do this but I hear it's working much better. They took someone who really had a knack for matching and let her take it over full time. We'll be meeting with her next week too. I'm thinking about bringing her cookies or something ;)
I'd say after next week it really could be any day but if I had to guess I'd say I don't think we'll have a placement for at least a few more months. We will still be the only family they are working with in Snohomish County which places us at the top of the list for most of the referrals out of Everett. I really don't care how long it takes as long as the right match is made...in the end that is what matters. Even so I'm sure I'll get impatient which is when I'll re-read this.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Rules of Engagement
I have a group of about 20 or so women I talk with often who have all been impacted by infertility. There's this unwritten code we all abide by, a way of communicating with each other that makes our feelings safe. Next to the pain of dealing with infertility the most popular topic we all can relate to is "crap people say/do". All most all of the things said or done that hurt happen with the best intentions but totally miss the mark. I could easily do a full blog post on each of the items I'll mention but I do want you to actually read it so I promise to keep it brief.I want to share on behalf of all those who can't or don't know how to. Here's my attempt at translating the language of our secret society.
News About Pregnancy
With my close group of couples we quickly established a rule of communicating this news only by email and always a day or so before we'd meet next. This allows everyone to process the information in private with no expectation of reaction. Sometimes you just need a minute to process it on your own. I also beg of those who have no trouble with infertility to follow this same practice. I've had lots of people hold off sharing the news with me to spare my feelings. This hurts and trust me...we know. We want the chance to be happy for you so please include us, just allow us some space to do so.
Invites to Kid/Family Events
A few years ago we went through some painful friend losses because people around us had kids and we did not. They avoided inviting us to events that were just for kids or families because we didn't meet their life circumstance. The lack of invites was often to "spare" us from feeling obligated to go to a potentially emotionally painful event. The way this really feels is that we're being punished further for not having kids. We want the option to come and your understanding if we don't feel up to it. We began having this conversation with our friends which was hard and awkward but not everyone may be up for that talk yet. I really encourage those dealing with infertility to tell their friends and family what they need.
I Could Never...
One of the biggest punches to the gut is comments about how someone couldn't imagine doing "x". This came up often when I was going through IVF and mentioned the shots. I hate needles and still can't even look when they draw blood. None of that matters when you really want something and you just don't have another option. When people say they couldn't do that it's almost like hearing "thank God it's you dealing with this because I couldn't". The same is when people say things like you must have been given this challenge because you have a big heart. The truth is you can't judge what anyone will do until you're in it. I'm really conscious of this now and try to never make comments like this. Instead I will say "I admire your courage and perseverance".
These are just a few of them but pretty major rules. This is all my personal opinion and experience. I hope more women can talk about their needs with those they love. If they can't do that, I hope this helps.
News About Pregnancy
With my close group of couples we quickly established a rule of communicating this news only by email and always a day or so before we'd meet next. This allows everyone to process the information in private with no expectation of reaction. Sometimes you just need a minute to process it on your own. I also beg of those who have no trouble with infertility to follow this same practice. I've had lots of people hold off sharing the news with me to spare my feelings. This hurts and trust me...we know. We want the chance to be happy for you so please include us, just allow us some space to do so.
Invites to Kid/Family Events
A few years ago we went through some painful friend losses because people around us had kids and we did not. They avoided inviting us to events that were just for kids or families because we didn't meet their life circumstance. The lack of invites was often to "spare" us from feeling obligated to go to a potentially emotionally painful event. The way this really feels is that we're being punished further for not having kids. We want the option to come and your understanding if we don't feel up to it. We began having this conversation with our friends which was hard and awkward but not everyone may be up for that talk yet. I really encourage those dealing with infertility to tell their friends and family what they need.
I Could Never...
One of the biggest punches to the gut is comments about how someone couldn't imagine doing "x". This came up often when I was going through IVF and mentioned the shots. I hate needles and still can't even look when they draw blood. None of that matters when you really want something and you just don't have another option. When people say they couldn't do that it's almost like hearing "thank God it's you dealing with this because I couldn't". The same is when people say things like you must have been given this challenge because you have a big heart. The truth is you can't judge what anyone will do until you're in it. I'm really conscious of this now and try to never make comments like this. Instead I will say "I admire your courage and perseverance".
These are just a few of them but pretty major rules. This is all my personal opinion and experience. I hope more women can talk about their needs with those they love. If they can't do that, I hope this helps.
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